These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.
1
A year since I arrived in Amsterdam. Things haven’t worked out how I envisioned – haven’t reached my financial goals and I’ll be leaving soon – but I can’t be mad. It’s been a good year. Lived in a nice apartment in my favorite city, befriended some great people, and spent most of my days exactly how I wanted.
2
At a lively little tapas place, sitting outside under a heater with some drizzle on my cheek. Probably ordered too much food. She hasn’t eaten much. But we’re getting along well, flowing easy between the playful banter and serious chat. I haven’t tried to kiss her yet, but I will. Doesn’t much matter how she responds, but how I respond to her response.
3
Nearing midnight as I cycle home, around the back of Central and up through Nieuwmarkt. I see tough guys in short sleeves and busty chicks in high heels. There’s the smell of marijuana and the glow of neon lights. Ray Charles is in my ears singing an old sweet song, and it somehow fits perfectly, floating on through like a dream on wheels.
4
On a quiet bridge in Amsterdam, coming up on two in the morning. I’m stepping along the railing, showing off. She wants to try, so I take her hands and help her balance, hoping to fuck she doesn’t slip. That would really ruin the evening. But she does fine, and soon we’re back on firm footing. And though I’ve asked a dozen times already, I’m going to ask again.
5
Leaving Amsterdam one month from today, that old familiar sense of urgency upon me. People to meet, things to do, experiences to have. I might have missed that feeling. You get a little complacent staying put in one place all the time, figuring you’ll do this or that eventually, there’s always more time. Until there isn’t.
6
Okay so all that rushing around at the weekend caught up with me today. Sluggish at the laptop, took two naps and fell off the 24-hour fast wagon. Ah well. No point beating myself up about it. Last month was great business-wise, and this month is off to a solid start. I deserve a break, a reward for all the hard work.
7
Email from a 3M1K member asking for a refund, says he can’t devote the time to it right now. Fair enough. A half hour later I’m having tea with a guy who joined the course a few months back. He was barely making any money online at the start of the year. Now he tells me that he cleared €2k last month with his writing biz. Fair enough.
8
The dating scene has been a lot more fun of late. And I wonder how much of that is due to me leaving town soon. Now I have a deadline, an excuse not to get too deep. Does that let me off the hook, have me taking more chances? I’m-leaving-town is an easier goodbye than I-just-don’t-want-to-see-you-anymore. Boundary issues surfacing again.
9
Got out this morning and shot some b-roll. I’d like to do more of that, step up my YouTube game. I don’t want to get all fancy and have a million cuts in there, but it’s nice to show more of my surroundings, provide some context for my talking head. The main thing holding me back is the time it takes to edit it all.
10
The thing about working for yourself is that you can be more flexible, but you need to be more disciplined. Well, generally speaking. Occasionally I let myself have a day like today, where I slept in until all hours – late one last night wink wink – and then caught up on work in the evening. No boss to call, no explaining to do. Good times.
11
Evening meetup, a few dozen of us at this bar. The hottest girl here arrived on my arm, and we’ll leave together later. I can relax and chat with the guys and not worry about chasing tail. Still that gnawing though, that grass-is-greener syndrome. I don’t think it ever goes away, doubt I’ll ever be 100% satisfied. But I know it doesn’t have to control me.
12
Collapsed on a couch in a scented apartment off Wibautstraat, all warm and sluggish, feeling like a koala looks. I can see the silhouette of a fern through the curtain. There’s a glass etched with blue butterflies sitting on the coffee table. A fat pigeon cooing on the balcony. Sounds of someone beautiful cooking breakfast for a lucky man.
13
I have this friend on Facebook. He might be you, reading this now. He posts lots of well-meaning things, and then gets into debates in the comments. Respectful debates, except nobody debating is trying to understand where the other side is coming from. Everyone is too concerned with being understood, with being right. And nobody changes their mind.
14
Flying is a pain in the ass. They herd you through security like cattle and there’s barely any leg room and they make you take your shoes off because of one nutjob fifteen years ago. But flying is also amazing. Today I had breakfast in Amsterdam and dinner in New Orleans, crossing 5,000 miles of sky in between. No matter how you slice it, that’s fucking magic.
15
Sitting sipping a cold coffee, waiting out a rainstorm, thinking it’s a shame more people don’t chase their dreams, that most don’t even try. I’m at a bicycle-centric cafe in the CBD, a beautiful space. My friend Wes opened this place a few weeks back, a passion project, a dream come true. He worked hard, accepted the sacrifices, made it happen.
16
I love New Orleans, but having lived in Amsterdam for the past year, I can’t help but compare the two towns, and NOLA doesn’t come out of that match-up looking good. The public transport sucks, lots of people living on the streets, obesity is rampant, and it’s hard to forget that any passing fool might be packing heat.
17
But you know what, fuck all that. No place is perfect. Hanging with old friends today, seeing these two about to be married, I’m reminded of what makes this city special. I feel a warmth and a welcome here like few other places. Me and this town, we broke up six years ago, knowing it could never work long-term, but we’re still very much in love.
18
Today I rode a streetcar, a fire truck, and a riverboat. Now it’s after midnight in the French Quarter. Silly me left my money and keys in the bridal suite, and the only way to retrieve them is to be the worst cock block of all-time. So I’ve got no money and no place to stay. Exciting times. Let’s see what happens…
19
Rolling down St. Charles one more time, past grand porches and sculpted gardens, beneath the limbs of old oaks and alongside joggers on the tracks. I see no trouble and I feel no pain. This evening I’ll be in the company of good people, eat my own body weight in jambalaya, and witness LeBron James do the impossible.
20
Long layover at Newark so I jump online for a bit to clear my inbox and catch up on some client work. A couple hours later I’m all caught up and have earned in excess of $100 from clients in Ireland and NZ. I knock back a couple of sleeping pills and head to the gate to claim a seat in the sky.
21
I’m wearing boxer briefs, a sailor hat, and fluffy puppy slippers while doing a ridiculous dance around the bedroom, Rod Stewart blasting. She thinks this is hilarious. I did miss her while I was out of town. We were texting regularly and sending pics back and forth. Together now, but only two more weeks until I leave town again, this time for good.
22
Recently, when I announced my plan to leave Amsterdam, someone commented that I’m unlikely to find a life partner if I keep moving around so much. That may be true, but who said I’m trying to find a life partner? I’d like to eventually, but I’m in no rush. Getting coupled up isn’t my priority right now. If anything, I’m trying to avoid it.
23
Pulling the trigger on the new business setup. After much research, I’ve decided to register in Wyoming of all places. No corporate tax as a one-person LLC, I can set it up remotely, and I won’t have to worry about VAT. The bank account is a little tricky but methinks I can swing it. Hoping to have it all sorted next week.
24
Eleven cards laid out, and apparently they say I’m worried about money, I’m too work focused, possess a scarcity mindset, and I don’t believe in love or marriage. Before we began she told me to have a question in mind. Now she asks what it is and I tell her: “Is this complete bullshit?” I was leaning towards yes before. Nothing’s changed.
25
We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend yet – and we won’t ever be since I’m leaving town soon – but we’ve reached that phase where it would feel disrespectful to go out and hook up with someone else. So I’m at this illegal bonfire without her, and there are opportunities about, but none I’m going to pursue. I’ll try to be a good wingman instead.
26
Hitting the road again, nine days from now, but my backpacking days are over. Unlike my younger self, I’d rather not be limited to two pairs of shoes and a single jacket. So I bought a suitcase and did a practice pack this afternoon. Most of my stuff fits in there, but I’ll have to leave a few things behind. Like my blender. Sad face.
27
A message in my inbox this morning, waiting to make me smile: “I barely know you; however, I want you to know you motivate people like me to be more proactive at taking that initial step to get out of that comfort zone. And sometimes that is all we need to begin a new adventure. Life is too short.”
28
Down at Waterlooplein flea market, trying to offload some clothes I can’t take with me next week. I do the rounds asking each vendor if they buy second-hand, but no takers. I was hoping to get a few bob for a couple of sweaters and a coat I barely wore. In the end I settle for a guy willing to accept donations.
29
One sure-fire way to lose my respect: lie repeatedly. A roommate once asked me to lie to his girlfriend so she wouldn’t find out he was cheating. Shitty on multiple levels. We’ve remained friends, but I’ll never trust him. Not fully. If someone’s willing to lie repeatedly to the person closest to them, it’s hard to believe anything they say.
30
Early morning, didn’t get much rest. “I can leave if you want me to, so you can sleep.” I say nothing, get up and go to the bathroom. I sit there for a minute or two, thinking. Then I go back to bed and say yeah, you should go now. She says a single word, gathers her things and lets herself out. And I lay there for a while, unable to sleep.
