Momentos – Apr 2016

These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.

1

Sometimes I flash back to my life nomadic. This morning the hum of a passing fly returned me to a sun-drenched road in the north of Spain with my thumb out, a golden field behind me, unknown adventures ahead. Sometimes a scene will come to mind and it’ll take me a minute to place it. Was that in Peru? Guatemala? Laos?

2

Is this me giving into the fear again, or have I raised the bar? I guess you could argue both sides. Been getting along great all evening with this beautiful woman. She seems to linger before she leaves as if waiting for me to make the move… but I promised myself I’d no longer date girls who do what she does.

3

Amsterdam is quieter than most cities. Probably because most of the traffic here is powered by pedals rather than pistons. I live just off one of the main thoroughfares in Centrum, but from the bedroom you barely hear a thing. Best you can make out is the occasional tram going past, and footfalls of the latest blow-ins upstairs.

4

Resistance was strong today. Had to submit a proposal for a big web dev project, almost five figures. Part of me would love to land it, another part of me is terrified at the thought. Sucked it up and got it submitted, now we’ll wait and see. Lots of opportunities flowing lately. Locked in another client this morning and had two more job offers this afternoon.

5

Gotta hire a VA soon, whether I land that five-figure project or not. Lots of day-to-day things taking up my time that someone else could do just as well. Every hour freed up from that busy work is $80 I can earn freelancing. It will take some time and patience up front though, training someone and putting the right systems in place.

6

Put through my first refund for 3M1K yesterday, within an hour of the request. The guy said he liked the course, but didn’t feel it was right for him. Then today I’m on a Skype call with another member, and he’s thanking me for building this thing, saying how much he loves it, how he’s been telling all his friends. Strikes and gutters, ups and downs.

7.

Booked flights to NOLA last night, a quick trip for a friend’s wedding in June, in and out in six days. I met that friend my first week after moving there back in oh-seven. I was 25 and addicted to basketball, met him waiting for the same streetcar on the way to a game. Man, that’s almost a decade ago now. Lived some since then.

8

Social first, then seductive, then sexual. I’m great at social. The others, not so much. Tonight I got stuck in social mode, told myself I was too tired to push it further, not feeling the vibe. But maybe I should be thinking of this like I think of the gym. I go even when I don’t feel like going. Especially when I don’t feel like going. That’s why I have a six pack.

9

Ramble around Rembrandtplein for a warm up. Ask for free coffee at Subway. Chat with a lady taking a photo. Ask the pedicab driver how’s business. Strike up conversation with a mohawk. Get offered drugs. Ask three women if they want to get married. Walk away mid-conversation. Get offered more drugs. Ask a dude if he needs help with directions.

10

Was out last night being socially assertive – leading men, chatting up women, confronting guys who were making jokes at my expense – and now today, despite the usual Sunday exhaustion, I’m being a lot more proactive and decisive work-wise. Thinking: if you’re sluggish in one area of life, becoming more assertive in another may help.

11

Trying to get those systems in place now. Have the VA on board and setting everything up on Teamwork so I can stay organized. Will bring on a web developer this week too and practice assigning him some simple tasks, see how that goes. Outsourcing effectively is a skill I really need to master.

12

Mornings are bright and warm again, so I’m back in the park a couple of times a week, busting out a few sprints, some bar and balance work. Thankful for that gym I joined last September though, made it easier to keep exercising on those dark and cold winter mornings. 118 visits now since September 17th. Sweet deal at €110 for the year.

13

Was going back and forth the past couple of weeks trying to close that mega project I found and pitched on Upwork. Finally got word today that the client has chosen someone else. But I’m more relieved than disappointed. That project would have kept me busy and locked in for the next three months, whereas now I’m free to pursue other opportunities.

14

Thinking about taxes. Say I pull in €5k/month from my business, have €1k of expenses and pay myself a €3k salary. That puts me on the hook for €125 in company taxes, and €826 personal. That’s actually not so bad, thought it would be worse. Of course, I’m not at that €5k mark consistently yet. Working on it.

15

At Bar Bukowski for the first time and it’s packed. Talking to strangers while waiting for friends to arrive. Most bars I end up in are more of a mixed nationality crowd, but here seems exclusively Dutch. Strike it up with two girls at the back of the place. Chatting laughing and dancing for ten minutes, seems to be going well, until one leans in and asks me to leave.

16

Last Saturday I was out and about loving life as a bachelor. Today I feel a deep yearning for someone sweet and long-term to curl up on the couch with. I think of several amazing women who’ve offered me that kind of relationship over the years, and how I’ve turned them all down. Some days, like today, the loneliness hits hard. But not the regret. At least not yet.

17

It is weird, this being human thing. There’s that urge to grow and progress and be better than before. Or maybe it’s not an urge. Maybe it’s just a paradigm we’ve all bought into. No other animal worries about maximizing its potential, about getting the most out of life. A cat can lie about all day and not feel like a loser.

18

Coming up on a year since I moved to Amsterdam, gave up the vagabond lifestyle and settled in one place. I’ve enjoyed living here, but I thought I’d be further along business-wise by now. I figured the main thing holding me back was lack of routine, lack of focus, but perhaps there’s more to it than that.

19

You know how we look back at our younger selves and roll eyes at things we did and things we wish we hadn’t done? I wonder what things I’m doing and not doing right now that will have my eyes a-rolling a decade down the line. I’ll probably be thinking a lot different about business and relationships by then. But different how?

20

Squeezing in client work between Skype calls. I’m trying to do a minimum of two paid hours per day at my €75/hour rate. Manage that consistently and I’m cracking €3k per month just from freelancing, with plenty of time left over to focus on marketing 3M1K and building other products. Simple in theory, but it’s always a bit messy in reality.

21

Almost three months since I launched 3M1K. Sales haven’t been as steady as I’d like, but the results and feedback from those who signed up have been encouraging. Next month I need to kick the marketing into high gear, do a big push for guest posts. I’ll try get quality articles published on popular sites, sending new leads my way.

22

Maybe like me you often get caught up thinking you must do big things to make an impact, to move people. But nah, it’s more about doing the small things, consistently. Wrote a quick piece about sobriety for my mailing list today, nothing fancy, just raw and truthful. Sent it out and got some nice responses. Impact made, people moved. Good reminder for myself.

23

Evening in Dam Square and I stand and watch and listen. Seeing things happening, thinking of things that happened. The birth of this town, a funfair across the way, Napoleon on a white horse, tulips swaying in the breeze, drunk Nazis shooting into a crowd, tourists walking where philosophers and kings and hippies walked before.

24

I think happiness is overrated. We all have different happiness baselines, and a bit of sadness and grief is good for you every now and then. Today alone all day in my apartment I can’t say that I’m happy, but I am content. I’m healthy, warm, well-fed and rested, with meaningful work and time with friends ahead of me this week.

25

Teddy Roosevelt once wrote, “I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” I like to remind myself of those words whenever I’m feeling stuck or frustrated, though of course I recognize the vanity in it; compared to most people on this rock, I’m living a charmed life.

26

Bike’s got a flat. Seems some fecker stole the insert of my valve stem. I’m late to meet friends and no bike shops open at this hour. So I walk the block, find another fiets with a flat and pay forward the thievery, figuring that bike’s not going anywhere anyways. Mentioning it here so I’m more likely to make amends later.

27

Don’t know, maybe I’m getting tired of the single life. Out and about for King’s Day and didn’t have the buzz to go chatting up chicks, would have preferred someone familiar by my side. Not sure I’ve felt it this strong since three years back in Bangkok, right as I was souring on the dating scene there, right before I fell in love.

28

When I was an employee I loved a day off on a Wednesday. Now, being self-employed, it kinda sucks. Trying to get back into the work stuff today was a massive struggle. Farted around and didn’t get a whole lot done. Wondering if there’s something bigger wrong here. Such low energy. Diet maybe? Or just burnt out on the trying…

29

Sometimes I think of running away from Amsterdam. It’s not the cheapest city, and summer is taking its sweet ass time arriving. I could pack everything and move to Thailand next week, save about €800/month on rent alone. But no, I need to stick it out. Had my fill of moving in recent years. No place is perfect. Neither am I. Gotta accept that.

30

She’s telling me about a retreat she just got back from. They explored and embraced their sexuality, their wildness. One time she held space in front of the group, letting her body move. Several men tried to meet her there, to match that energy. None could… but one. Only he could claim her. I ask because I want to know: what did he have that the others didn’t?