These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.
1
The best thing about spending the winter is in Amsterdam is being in Amsterdam. The city remains magical, just a bit colder and less leaves on the trees. Cycling around this evening the sky was all lit up pink and orange and reflected in old canal-side windows. I passed a girl walking and smiling to herself and I was grateful for whatever inspired that smile.
2
There’s a little park along a canal by my place with a zip line and a couple of statues, one for the war, one for a dead writer. Rambled through there this eve on the way back from the ice rink and the tunnel through the Rijks. I volunteered to go first but the line hung low and I ended up with my ass in a black puddle. It was the best of times.
3
I thought people at the gym were just anti-social but then there was this Colombian dude who said hello to everyone and they all said hello back. Took me a while to realize what he was doing different: he wasn’t waiting for permission to say hello, he just did it, no strings, no fear of getting blanked. I’ve taken his approach. Things are better now.
4
€4k/year for my accountant has raised some eyebrows, but I don’t think it’s a significant expense at all. He’s handling everything you’d expect and acting as secretary for my company besides. More to the point, if I can’t afford to pay an accountant €4k/year at this stage, working full-time at my business, I seriously need to rethink being self-employed.
5
Boundary issues become more pronounced around kids. Adults will often hold themselves back from taking advantage, but kids don’t know any better. They’ll trample all over you if you don’t stand firm. Hanging with my friend’s kids today at the beach, methinks I’ve improved in that area. Hard balance though, being fun and firm at the same time.
6
Existential crisis averted today by taking a nap. It’s amazing how often a wrecked head or a dose of the sads comes down to something basic, like low blood sugar or lack of sleep or being surrounded by assholes. Hit the ground running when I awoke from the winks and all organized now for the week ahead.
7
Cycling home through quiet streets, third time in four nights I’ve been for dinner with friends. Starting to feel a real sense of community here. It’s a little before midnight now, and warm for December. A hedgehog wobbles across my path outside Vondelpark. Two young men jam The Pink Panther theme in the tunnel through the Rijks.
8
Was hoping I could focus exclusively on course-building for the next couple of months and get the thing launched, but looks like I’ll need to get back to freelancing in the new year and pad the savings a bit. Bills are mounting up and I haven’t earned much the past few weeks. Thinking this hiccup might turn out to be a very good thing.
9
Tiredness happens on two levels: macro and micro. Micro is the day-to-day. You feel tired because you only got five hours sleep last night, but a solid sleep the next night and you’re back firing on all cylinders. Macro tired can’t be fixed so easily. What you need is a week or two away from everything, full decompression. Looking forward to that over Christmas.
10
Rainy night under the widest bridge in town, writing letters to Iran, Uzbekistan, Saudi Arabia. It’s a charity thing, but I really just came to get out of the house and be social. Not sure what impact these letters have. One is to the king of Saudi. What are the chances he’ll actually read it, or that enough will be received to raise powerful eyebrows?
11
A brave young man gets on stage at the Mezrab and talks about his brother’s tragic death just three weeks prior. And I reflect on how lucky I’ve been, more than half my life now since I’ve lost anyone close to me. My grandmother will be gone soon though, can’t hold on much longer. Didn’t think I’d see her again, but she may make it to Christmas.
12.
That point in a relationship where you reveal the first impressions you had of each other. She knew I was going to come talk to her that night, then puzzled as to why I didn’t ask for her number after we hit it off. Yeah, I messed that up, waited too long and then it was too late. But we’re here now in front of the fire. So it all worked out okay.
13
On second thought, I’ll push through with the product-building in January. Gonna be cutting it tight with the finances but I’ll make it work somehow. Otherwise I won’t get this course launched until March at the earliest, and that’s just taking the piss. People are asking for it, willing to pay. I just need to knuckle down and do the work.
14
Signed up for AFF a few months back, had two dates from it, nothing more. Forgot to cancel and accidentally renewed but called them up last week, closed the account and got a refund. Think I’ll stick to offline going forward. I attend a few events each week and push myself to go talk to whoever I find attractive. That’s been going well.
15
I was eating 1.4 kilograms of peanut butter a week, had developed an insatiable craving for the stuff. A friend pointed out that it added up to almost 9,000 calories per week. Way too much. So I stopped buying peanuts, haven’t had any for ten days now. I want to be in control of my cravings, not be a slave to them.
16.
Ho can anyone ever be bored? There’s so much fascinating shit to know about the world and much of it you can learn for free online. Today I found a documentary on YouTube about how plants communicate and think. There’s a tree in Africa that senses when it’s being overgrazed and releases toxins that kill large mammals. Wow.
17
Coming to better accept the ebbs and flows of it all. Like today on the way to the airport, plenty of opportunities to be social, talk to strangers. But I wasn’t in the mood for it, just wanted to zone out and rest my brain. So that’s what I did, without feeling bad on account. Opportunities were missed, but not every opportunity has to be seized.
18
We used to look at month-old boxscores in the back of FIBA magazine. Then we upgraded to refreshing the play-by-play every twenty seconds online. Then came live audio feeds and grainy video clips. Now we can sit and watch every game live in high-def from his living room, talking about death and sex and karma all the while.
19
Back home in Slieverue, the house I grew up in, climbed every tree and crossed every field in a three mile radius. Five years since I was here for Christmas. Who was that man, back then all vegan and newly self-employed and thirty-seven countries still to step in. Wish I could thank him for that journey he had in mind. It’s led me here.
20
A farm was handed down from father to son for generations. At the latest handover, the father told the son what had once been told to him. You do not own this land, he said. You are simply a custodian. You take good care of it and pass the land along better than received. I hear this story as we walk along a country road, past a broken old farm.
21
Jane Austen used to write in the family sitting room, often in the company of others and subject to frequent interruptions. I imagine she became adept at staying focused despite distractions, trained herself to dive deep in a blink. I think of this as I open a book in front of the television, rather than sit alone in the other room.
22
My earliest memory is visiting my great-grandmother in hospital. Now I’m visiting my grandmother in the same spot. And she looks much the same. Some day I’ll be there, too. Feeling strong in body and mind right now, a man in the prime of his life. But everything comes and everything goes.
23
Recently been thinking about how lucky I am to have lived this long. How many illnesses and injuries have I endured that would have killed a man a hundred years ago? Appendix as a kid, that severe bout of diarrhea in Kathmandu, maybe even that cut above my right eye.
24
Reading back over those last few, and they sound darker than intended. I’m very content these days. Earlier out for lunch with the fam there was sunlight coming in through a window and you could see all the particles floating in the air. It was as if everything was moving in slow motion, as if we had all the time in the world. Maybe we do.
25
I’m part of the lucky generation, old enough to remember the pre-internet days and appreciate how amazing everything has become, yet young enough not to feel bewildered by it all. As a kid, I remember getting a yellow dump truck for Christmas, about the size of a shoe box. That was all I got, and I loved it.
26
It’s been a week now of doing nothing. In thirty-six hours I’ll be back in Amsterdam, ready to get stuck into the work stuff. I’m hoping this downtime will be like the pull-back on a slingshot, helping propel me through the weeks ahead. And I’m looking forward to the challenge. I can’t do nothing for long before that itch returns strong.
27
There’s definitely some uneasiness with being home, like part of me reverts back to the nineteen-year-old I wasn’t all that happy being. All in my head of course, but goes to show how getting away from what you’re used to can aid growth and change. That said, you can’t run from those old demons forever. You have to tackle them eventually.
28
Back at the sanctuary. Long nap to shake off the early flight and then I clock in. I pulled a few mega workweeks last June/July and methinks I’ll need to do the same in January to get these two products launched, the updated travel guide and the work online course. Sacrifices will have to be made.
29
One of Michael Pollan’s food rules: “Be the kind of person who takes supplements—then skip the supplements.” Because people who are health-conscious enough to take supplements generally don’t need them. I think there’s an analogy there for preserving wealth: Be the kind of person who can afford a big house—then skip the big house.
30
Realizing now that I could have staved off much of that uneasiness back home just by doing a few of the things I usually do, like exercise, meditation, and a bit of writing. Today was blissful because I did all those things. A little evening cycle through the park helped too, listening to Coltrane’s magic notes on solitude.
31
Not feeling all that reflective. 2015 felt like a stepping stone more than anything else, a year of transition. I’m more focused on what lies ahead, on the relationships I’ll build and the work I’ll do in the coming year. Watching endless fireworks from Museumplein at midnight, I feel a sense of peace and acceptance, like this is exactly where I should be.