Momentos – Nov 2015

These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.

1

Reading words from Malcolm X. He writes about that deep-rooted racism he grew up with, whites looking at him like he was a pet rather than a human being. They weren’t bad people necessarily; they just didn’t realize how fucked up their beliefs were. Makes me wonder: what fucked up beliefs of my own am I oblivious to? And what about you?

2

The honeymoon might be coming to an end here in Amsterdam. Still love the city, but reality is starting to hit now that I’m registered as a resident, suddenly on the hook for €60 municipal tax and a €15 water charge. Paid rent yesterday too so I feel like I’m bleeding money all of a sudden. Life on the road was exhausting, but it was also a lot cheaper.

3

My mastermind buddy gave me a much-needed kick up the ass last night on our monthly call. One simple question: “Is there any reason you need to be doing all this stuff at the same time?” Shit, how fast I forgot the lessons of Essentialism, somehow ended up juggling multiple projects and making solid progress in none. Time to refocus.

4

Nervous for tonight. Too nervous, really. I sit and write some sense into myself. All I have to do is be present. The question isn’t whether she’s going to like me, it’s whether I’m going to like her. What interesting things will I learn about this girl? Is she just a pretty face or more than that? I finish writing, meditate for fifteen, then head out.

5

Buzzing after a chat with Sam in a coffee and coconut shop that was built as a cinema ninety-five years ago. We talk about stories and storytelling and bicycles and Serbians and dating and meditation and curiosity and travel and dreams and how to memorize a deck of cards and that thing I’ll probably go do in 2017.

6

Almost nine and I’ve got that limitless vibe going. I’m late but in no hurry, grab a coffee across the street and banter with an Indian dude there, then head towards the bike, striking conversations and evoking smiles en route. My tongue is loose, eyes nice and easy, self-doubt cast out. It’s a Friday night in Amsterdam, and I’m in the prime of my life.

7

What sound does a rooster make? Ask an American and they’ll tell you cock-a-doodle-doo. Ask an Italian and they’ll tell you key-kiri-key. Ask a Dutchman and he’ll tell you coo-curu-coo. Ask a Korean and they’ll tell you jack-jack. Dogs and cows also make different noises depending on the language. I’m not making this shit up.

8

Malcolm almost lost me in the middle, ranting on and on about the devilish white man. He turned a corner near the end though, seeing that it’s not the color of a man’s skin that makes him “devilish,” but the quality of his character. It’s fifty years now since his assassination. I wonder if he’d think we’d made much progress in race relations.

9

Starting to devote bigger chunks of time to my most important work. As an experiment, I’ve pushed my first email check of the day until 5pm, and blocking Facebook from nine to six, will give it two weeks and see if anything falls apart. Feels good already, starting the day off proactive rather than reactive.

10

A date of sorts at this bar atop the W, her suggestion. The lights are dim, the tea ain’t cheap, and I’m early. When she finally appears she looks like Cate Blanchett as the female lead in some classy Russian spy movie. She offers a handshake. We chat for a bit. I feel relaxed. She seems nervous. I pay and we leave together.

11

Webinar this eve, had been prepping for it for weeks, ended up being a lot more work than expected (mostly due to my pesky perfectionism). Time finally came and we ran into a tech issue, couldn’t resolve, had to abandon and apologize to the attendees. I think we handled it well though, didn’t get flustered, came up with a solid Plan B.

12

I had a moment today. By myself, in my apartment, taking a break from the work stuff. I was in my fluffy puppy slippers, mug of green smoothie in hand, dancing to the sounds of Nancy Sinatra. And it struck me harder than usual, how lucky I am to be living this life, how much I enjoy it, and how I’ll look back on these days as some of my best.

13

“Did you hear what’s happening in Paris?” This comes as I’m leaving Mezrab. I head home and look up the latest, lie awake for hours trying to forget about it. It’s not fear, but disappointment and frustration. How can we keep doing this to ourselves? How sick and miseducated do you have to be to consider this a righteous act? Fucking humans.

14

There are only six of us in this little dance studio, five watching. The elderly Asian lady introduces herself and then commences the performance low on all fours growling like a dog. She moves very slowly like this for two minutes. I look over at J and he points a thumb towards the door. Not quietly enough, we stand and make our exit.

15

A friend put me in touch with a literary agent in Ireland, and the agent asked me to send along a synopsis and chapter breakdown of The Cargo Ship Diaries. A long shot, but could end up getting the book printed and in book stores. Which is great, and yet I had a voice in my head today telling me to forget it, doesn’t matter that much, book’s not that good anyway.

16

You know when you’re in the gym or at the supermarket and you’re all happy with the world and smiling at strangers and saying hello and they just blank you and you wonder what the fuck is wrong with people, why are they so cold, so heartless, where is the human connection? I was one of those strangers today. Tired was all.

17

I’m not going to make a lot of money this month, surely less than $1k. Which is to be expected, since I’ve cut back on almost all my freelance work to focus on building the course. I know this is necessary, and my savings will tide me over, but psychologically it’s tough to deal with. Spending more than I earn always feels uncomfortable.

18

There’s a bike shop down off Heinekenplein run by a couple of Serbian dudes. They do good work, offer fair prices, don’t screw anyone over. I like popping into them every now and then, having the chat. This is the kind of neighborhood feel I missed on the road, seeing familiar faces and places on the regular, a sense of home.

19

I get there early, a bar off the Nes. Was going to bring a book to pass the wait, but it’s better I warm up and get the social juices flowing. I take a stool at the end of the bar and strike up with two ladies alongside. They’re nice, receptive, laughing easy. Then my date calls, stuck across town. “You’ll have to choose me or the light show,” she says. Easy choice.

20

Texting back and forth, different girl. She wants me to meet her in Utrecht tonight. I could go, but it would be for the wrong reasons. Not because I really want to, but to be a nice guy and not have her pissed at me. So I say no and watch the texts turn upset. I don’t like being the asshole, but sometimes it’s the right thing to be.

21

At the supermarket a fellow shopper comes over to recommend I buy the organic bananas because the others are genetically modified and they pay the farmers pittance and it’s a government conspiracy and big corporations and yadda yadda yadda. I put a hand on his shoulder and say, “Yeah, thanks. I’m still going to buy these bananas.”

22

Been in Amsterdam almost six months now, and just signed a year-long extension on my apartment. The rent ain’t cheap but people tell me it’s as good as it gets for this part of town. And I am very happy living here. I like not having to pack all my shit and move every few weeks/months. That was fun for a while, but not forever.

23

In Parkour, your best chance of making a jump is to commit to it fully. You have to fling your two feet forward. Half-assing it means you fall short and may hurt yourself. In other words, taking the scariest action — jumping with two feet — is how you’re most likely to succeed. Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier.

24

Dutch kids have a favorite game in the school gymnasium. They call it “apenkooi,” which literally translates to “monkeycaging.” This evening I played it with a bunch of grown-ups over in the Jordaan. The floor is lava so you can only step on mats and benches and gymnastic equipment and avoid being tagged. Great fun.

25

She’s not supposed to be here right now. I have to keep it a secret. There’s me and her and a man with a beard. She talks about ditching her friend in Vietnam, feels guilty about it but shouldn’t. Dawns on me that it’s easier to end a relationship than a friendship. Few people expect a friend to break up with them.

26

I walk into a bright room and see clothes strewn about the floor. Black boots, black pants, black shirt, a tie. In the corner there’s a woman moving like a breeze. She’s blonde and she’s beautiful. She looks at me as she removes her bra, an intense look, and I try to stand strong and return it but we both know she has all the power.

27

“The only time a man should even contemplate monogamy is after experiencing abundance.” So says Rollo Tomassi. I don’t agree with him completely — it’s in some men’s nature to be monogamous — but abundance is something I’m seeking. Not so much lots of women at the same time, but lots of options.

28

It’s after midnight on a Saturday and I wade through the merry and loud coming out of Central Station, trying not to begrudge them their silly dances and bad jokes. I’m two hours delayed for having to double back but she was sweet and came to meet me on her bike, what I’d forgotten in hand and a little gift to go with it.

29

Ran out of patience today with a reader who took issue with what I wrote back on November 14th. He found it offensive “from an Asian stand point and scholarly sociological view for women’s global equality.” I asked that he explain more because I wasn’t seeing it. Then he brought up the Nazis. Wow. He’s going to have a tough time in this world.

30

Realized cycling home this morning that I’m starting to experience exactly what I wanted in my dating life. And looking back I remind myself that I’m pretty good at making my dreams come true. It never happens as fast as I want, but so long as I persist it always seems to happen. This bodes well for my business goals.