These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.
1
Speaks to me a little different every year. This line stood out watching it tonight: “Plenty of time you’ll be alone. When you’re different like us, it’s gonna be that way.” No tears this time around, maybe because I wasn’t actually watching alone. But after everyone left, I sat myself down and had a good cry.
2
Someone sent me an article today about how successful people spend their weekends. One key is to get up at the same time you do during the week, so as not to disrupt your sleep schedule and throw you out of whack. I need to abide by this. Problem though isn’t so much the time I wake up on weekends, but the time I go to bed.
3
Typing this on a Sunday evening. Tomorrow I start into a hectic work schedule, aiming to write 34 lessons for my course in 12 days. Pull that off and I should be on track to launch the thing by the end of January, as promised. And these lessons need to be solid, quality in quantity. Deep breath, here we go…
4
A girl I’m dating says she’s a bit intimidated by how organized I am. She asked if I’d tidied up the apartment before she came over and I told her no, it’s always like this. Now I’m all self-conscious about being too OCD. I have a bunch of things arranged neatly on the bathroom shelf but have taken to messing them up a little before anyone drops by.
5
Feeling the truth of these lines from Mastery this morning: “You must always try to work with deadlines, whether real or manufactured. Faced with the slenderest amount of time to reach the end, the mind rises to the level you require. Ideas crowd upon one another. You don’t have the luxury of feeling frustrated.”
6
In the library discussing the many things we learned in school that proved useless, and the opportunity cost of all that. I could have done without Religion and Irish, and remember little of what I was taught in French, History, Maths, Physics. Would have served me better to learn about first aid, mental health, how to cook, basic finance.
7
Focused as I am on getting this course ready for launch, I notice that I pay less attention to trivial shit. Someone writes a bitchy comment on Facebook? Shrug it off. That girl hasn’t responded to my texts? Ah fuck it. Shopkeeper acting rude to me? Barely registers. Coming to better understand the people who do get worked up over these kinds of things.
8
Bit of a sausage-fest at the meetup, which is fine for a while. I need more good men in my life, that brotherhood. But I know it’ll eat away at me if I don’t at least approach an attractive lady or two in this place before calling it a night. After a couple of hours of man-talk, I try a few and flame out fast, then cycle home at peace with myself.
9
Reminded this eve of that familiar paradox: playing it safe is often the most dangerous thing you can do. Because our best chance of success is to fully commit to something, to go all out. But that’s scary, right? So instead we take half measures, don’t put ourselves out there, stick to the safe and familiar… and go to the grave with our song unsung.
10
Sunday is my day to sharpen the saw. Take my time, cook up some healthy food, get organized for the week. Also a good day for topping up on motivation and inspiration. Spent a couple of hours this afternoon reading about Elon Musk and Tesla, and now I’m eager to get back to work. The world needs us to make the best of ourselves.
11
Shit. Feel like I hit a wall today. Let myself skip the gym I was so tired this morning, then struggled to get another three lessons written for the course. Hiring a copywriter now to help get this thing finished, which is great but not exactly cheap, and realized on a call with him how much work I still have to do before launching on the 29th.
12
Lay awake in bed last night for two-and-a-half hours, couldn’t switch off. Today was better. Back at the gym, back in the flow, less freaking out. All part of the roller coaster, I guess. Talking about it at dinner with friends this eve, two good dudes six clicks across town, moving forward while understanding that it’s incomprehensible.
13
Sinking feeling when I see that another online entrepreneur pulled in five figures last month. That guy? I met him years ago, didn’t exactly hit it off. How the fuck can he be thriving and me not there yet? But I think a little more and reframe. Bodes well for me that he can do that. Because he’s got nothing I don’t have or can’t learn. Only a matter of time.
14
All lessons for the course complete, a day ahead of schedule. On track to launch by the end of the month but still lots to do. Payment processing, sales funnel, styling work… many bits and pieces to slot into place. And launch day is really only the halfway point. Then it’s helping students prosper and promoting the bejesus out of this thing.
15
At least ten at this table. Among us French, Turkish, American, Serbian, Indian… and an Egyptian girl casting flirty looks from wisened eyes. We’re in a jazz bar with no jazz, surrounded by cigarette smoke and little wooden heads carved into the walls and I’m the only one sober. I’ll dance tonight, and laugh and shine, and invite those eyes back to mine.
16
I try think no thoughts in an old church before collecting my bike where it slept and heading towards the first dam ever built in this town. They celebrate the national flower today, covering the square with two-hundred-thousand of them, free for anyone to pluck. I’ll get five for myself and make some new friends and go eat waffle fries.
17
The urge to self-sabotage grows stronger as I get closer to launch. Aimed to have an early night last night but sat on the couch until 3am watching shitty YouTube clips and eating crap I wasn’t hungry for. Why is it so hard to do the things we know are good for us? At the bottom of it all, I wonder if I really feel deserving of the success I seek.
18
Chatting with a friend about online business. He’s been pulling in $7k/month from his content biz, and tells me about a travel blogger making $3k/month minimum from affiliate programs. So much money out there to be claimed. Really, the hardest thing is staying focused long enough to break through and reap the rewards.
19
Decided to push the launch date back a week. I could probably get enough done by the 29th to launch as planned, but it would be too rushed. Finances will be tight, but I’d rather take my time and get everything dialed in good and proper. Started on styling work today. It’s all coming together nicely.
20
Changing up the pricing now too after feedback from my copywriter. I was planning to charge €297 up front for three months, and then €30/month thereafter. But that’s confusing, gives people pause. Either do a one-time upfront fee or simple monthly pricing. So we’re rolling with the latter. €97/month (including VAT, so everyone pays the same).
21
Started hardcore into recording the course videos today. Was going to head out to a Bollywood dance meetup this eve but it’s crunch time right now so sacrifices have to be made. Recorded and edited 15 videos in total — more than two hours’ worth of content — but I still have about 50 more to do before launch.
22
On a date talking about gay assholes. She tells me the Egyptian army has recruits drop trou so they can inspect the rect and ensure they’re not gay. Because apparently you can tell just by looking and homosexuals make ineffective soldiers. She also tells me about Egypt’s first gay wedding two years back, the arrests made and the outrage caused.
23
Worst cheat day ever. As in, I didn’t go nuts and throw a ridiculous amount of unhealthy fare at my face. Last week’s binge left me feeling low, so trying to do things a little differently now, pausing to acknowledge the desire for distraction and destruction, allowing myself to feel and process whatever pain is there. Tara Brach has been helpful.
24
I weave around Vondelpark in the drizzle for a bit, looking for a spot to record a video, end up propping against a gate leading to a bandstand in a lake. Two women nearby are teaching a third how to ride a bicycle, and there’s birdsong in the air. I slept log-like last night and felt no hunger this morning. All is patient, all is kind.
25
Someone asked if I script or rehearse my videos. I always try do them in one take and roll with any fumbled words or lost trains of thought. Many people post heavily-edited vlogs online and they look slick and everything, but a) all that editing seems like a lot of work, and b) you don’t get a sense of what that person is really like, seeing only their highlights.
26
Sucked it up and got 17 videos finished yesterday. That’s the bulk of them done for the course now, more than eleven hours’ worth. Feeling good about the content overall. The course is solid. It has the potential to help a lot of people. Now to focus on the marketing side of things. I know I can create value, but communicating it is a whole other challenge.
27
On the way to salsa class, telling her I’ve been sleeping well of late. Surprisingly. Usually when it’s crunch time with the work stuff my mind won’t stop racing and I toss and turn for hours. But not so much this time around. I feel there’s more at stake with this launch than the last, yet I’m more at ease now than I was then.
28
Henry Rollins puts on a good show. Not sure which is more impressive, his head or his heart. One thing that sticks with me is his age, mentions he’ll be turning 55 this year. That’s 21 ahead of me. Two decades and change, and he’s still got plenty in the tank. We’ve got so much living left to do, so much more to experience. Lucky us.
29
Got up this morning, went to my magic notebook, and within sixty seconds was listening to a random song that had come to mind. Then I retrieved some food items from my refrigeration machine, cooked them in my electromagnetic radiation box, and ate while watching the world’s most famous astrophysicist unravel the mysteries of space and time.
30
I usually spend about €400/month on food. This month I’ve spent less than €300. Cutting way back on meat has probably helped, but also I’m getting better at listening to my body and only eating when truly hungry. Tonight, for example, I came home late with snacking in mind, but stopped and listened and went to bed content without eating.
31
Alright, there it is: the course is launched. I’m guiding everyone through a free email series first to give them a good taste of what’s on offer, rather than beating them over the head with a sales pitch. But anyone eager to get started can buy into the course as of now. Should be an interesting week seeing how the sales go.