Momentos – June 2015

These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.

1

It’s been a long day. And beautiful. I awoke to a full moon and a quiet house in Ireland, and now, 24 hours later, I’m in Amsterdam, falling asleep to the flicker of candlelight and the sound of rain on the rooftop. Through every interaction today, I’ve felt this city opening its arms to welcome me, saying yeah, this is where you should be, come on in and stay a while.

2

I wash the dishes before I go. Only fair, since she did the cooking, and I like to imagine how she’ll smile and think of me when she gets home. That done, I let myself out and wander east through the bicycled streets, across bridges and along canals, catching a few familiar sights and letting the fond memories linger. Maybe the rain will come again, but I don’t care.

3

I knew that guy was lying to me. He maintained strong eye contact, and his story sounded reasonable, but I just knew. He stole that bike, and then he tried to sell it to me. I knew that, and I still bought it. And I have all kinds of justifications for buying it — if I didn’t someone else would have, etc. — but if I’m honest, I wish I’d had the presence of mind to just walk away.

4

She wouldn’t give me a discount on the rent, but the important thing is I asked. I tried. It’s never the failure that gets you. It’s the not trying, the giving in to resistance. You’ve got to battle that shit anew every day, because it keeps resurfacing. So anyway, I paid the asking price and moved in today. I now live in Amsterdam. Indefinitely.

5

How she looked this morning by the window, all aglow with the early sunshine and something else there too, something inexplicable. That was a moment that will last me forever, memory unforgettable. And I wish I could be satisfied with more of that, more of her, and nothing more. I wish that was all I wanted, but I don’t think it is.

6

Amsterdam has a character all its own, a city chock full of uniqueness. Little independent cafes and second-hand furniture stores and quirky bicycles and miniature buildings made big. Every second view is a postcard, every second girl distinctly beautiful, every second dude your best friend in another life. I’m grateful to be here, every second.

7

FB message: “Soooo I have a friend going to Amsterdam sometime this month and she is looking for people to hang out with. She’s super hot and really an all-around kind and fun girl. She is traveling with another female friend of hers and probably wants to have fun and get into some trouble. Want me to put you in touch?” Call me crazy, but I said no thanks.

8

Today was a day I’d been looking forward to for months. I got a ton done without feeling rushed. This, my friends, is the luxury of routine. A week deep in Mokum and I’ve got a good one going. I read for more than an hour today, got a decent workout in, meditated, took a nap, spent solid time on personal projects, and put in four hours of client work.

9

I have a sanctuary now, a place to retreat and recuperate, light some incense and listen to Nina Simone while cooking up a good meal. They say extroverts feel energized from being around people, while introverts feel drained. If that’s true, I definitely lean towards the latter, and so these quiet evenings alone in my apartment are something akin to bliss.

10

I’ve been working on a product to sell via the blog for several months now. It will be a bundle of guides about how to live a travel lifestyle and work online. I was aiming for a June 30th launch but a marketing-savvy friend took a look at my launch plan today and highlighted plenty of room for improvement. So pushing the date back to July 14th. Lots to do before then.

11

Sarphatipark before seven, sun just starting to sneak through the trees. I see the same family of ducks there at the pond every morning, two big and five little, glimpsed bright green wings on the wind yesterday, wonder if I’ll see them again today. I settle into a stretch routine on the grass, alongside words of strangers telling me what they want to do before they die.

12

I’ve never paid for sex and I’ve never smoked weed (yet), but I like that those things are decriminalized here. The way I see it, drugs and prostitution happen in every city in the world, but mostly underground and down dark alleys where bad shit is more likely to happen. The Dutch seem to have a more mature approach to vice.

13

Breathing in the memories of Leidseplein, watching characters come and go, trying to notice things nobody’s noticed before. I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes. Chances are this girl won’t show. And I’m okay with that. There’s no feeling of disappointment, no feeling of worthlessness, just acceptance of what is. I’ll go home, watch a movie, and call it a perfect day.

14

Basketball. Still love it. Catching up on NBA clips on YouTube is a daily delight, makes me feel like a kid again. And I still love to play. Found a good scrimmage this afternoon in Oostpoort and went for ninety minutes full-court. I’m more aware out there than I used to be, can see gaps and cutters a younger me would have missed. Must try make this a weekly thing.

15

I’ve noticed myself getting tight when I’m deep in a work session, shoulders tense, teeth sometimes clenched. Probably not good to sit for hours like that at a time. So today I set an app on my phone to buzz every five minutes as a reminder to breathe and release. Hopefully that will train me into a more relaxed posture while cranking away at the laptop.

16

Reading two books written by one-time lovers, and loving them both. The Fountainhead is one I’ve long been intimidated to tackle, but more enjoyable than expected. And then there’s Branden’s masterpiece on self-esteem. That’s one you have to read slowly. I’ve been working through it for almost two months now. It’s made me a better man.

17

I told a friend I couldn’t meet him for coffee this afternoon. Of course, I could have, but I’m trying to keep my schedule sacred. 6:30am to 6:30pm, no exceptions. Tonight was another challenge, with a dinner date at my place. I could have asked her to sleep over, and it would have been nice, but she was gone by eleven. Need that rest to be at my best.

18

What would your days look like if you had all the time and money in the world? I thought about it and decided I’d spend an hour each day reading a book and I’d take a nap every afternoon. Then I thought, shit, wait… those luxuries are available to me now! So I’m claiming them. Seems lots of time and money weren’t required, just a little prioritizing.

19

It’s not sex that we’re having. No, this is making love. It’s a spiritual experience, lasting hours at a time. Lost in each other’s eyes, trembled by a thousand touches, awed by the occasional tear. I’ve never been this intimate with someone so fast. It feels effortless, and right, like breathing clean air from a wooded hillside somewhere south of Schafberg.

20

Facing a familiar dilemma in this tiled and narrow room. There are two doors between us, one slightly ajar. It’s times like this I envy the Japanese and their magic buttons. I have to make do with primitive forms of aural camouflage, like a fake cough or a flowing faucet. Of course I could just kill the smoke and mirrors and let rip, take our intimacy to the next level.

21

There are days when it feels like a heavy block of dull stone sits in the doorway and you can see slivers of grass and sunshine beyond but you’re trapped inside where it’s cold and grey and everything’s moving in slow motion and you can try pushing and pounding on that stone but your best bet is to step away and let it crumble beneath the weight of a good night’s sleep.

22

Nathan Myhrvold once said that in order to do “wild, new shit… you have to be confused, upset, think you’re stupid.” Mr. Myhrvold so happens to be one of the smartest men on the planet, so it’s good to hear that coming from him. Business-wise, I’ve been going back and forth the past few days between thinking success is inevitable, and feeling confused, upset, stupid.

23

That travel agent idea didn’t pan out. I found one that let me play with their email marketing this month, but the response wasn’t great, so we’re dropping it. I’m happy with the effort though. I took a good crack, learned a thing or two, and failed fast. As in poker, losing a hand doesn’t mean you played it poorly. I’ll keep my seat at the table.

24

Yesterday wasn’t very productive for me, and I realized it was because I kept letting myself get distracted by email and Facebook messages, falling down endless rabbit holes of correspondence. So my key habit for today was to only check both inboxes once in the morning, and once in the evening. In between, much work got done.

25

It’s before seven on a weekday morning and we’re taking a leisurely stroll to Rembrandtplein. One of the many things I love about this city — and you notice it now, too — are the little independent stores everywhere, the time-traveled shopfronts of tailors, cobblers, cheesemongers, barbers, publicans and coffee merchants. They’re all closed at this hour, but still alive somehow.

26

I knew I’d be called upon. That’s what I get for being social before the meeting. But it’s also what I want. What’s the point of being here if you don’t get up and speak? I can feel my heart thumping in my chest, imagine invisible grocery bags hanging from my hands, aware that sixty-plus eyes are on me. Then I start talking, and it’s all a bit of a blur.

27

We stand front of a big shiny department store on the city’s prime retail route, a street named after a medieval cattle mart. This particular spot is where Amsterdam was born, why it first became famous. There was once a shrine here, to which pilgrims flocked from far and wide, looking to absolve their sins. Now people pass by oblivious, on their way to the red light.

28

Sunday is my day for getting organized. I have a checklist to run through: update apps, pay credit cards, inbox zero, review notes on iPhone, clean up desktop, check calendar, etc. There’s a deep sense of calm that comes from having a place for everything and everything in its place. And from simply taking time to think and plan ahead.

29

Always lots of dogs in the park, taking their owners for a walk. I saw a beautiful wolf-like breed there today, a big powerful animal. I watched as he ran past several miniature dogs, the kind you’d expect to see in a handbag, all growling in a fluster. He was a major deal to them, his presence insistent and intimidating, while to him they were invisible.

30

Three weeks until I release a guide I’ve been working on since October, teaching people how to work online and travel the world. I’ve perused similar guides as research and my biased brain is convinced I have them trumped. Working hard on the launch plan now, but I know the real work comes after, ensuring buyers’ dreams come through.