These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.
1
Today the old streets are colored by ten thousand rainbows, some flags even adorning church towers. My heart smiles to see gay couples walking hand in hand without a care in the world. On a bridge on Utrechtsestraat, there’s a canal parade passing under. I peer over the crowd in time to see a giant inflatable penis springing back to full erection.
2
For the most part, we know what’s good for us. We know how to beat the blues. We know how to be happy, healthy, successful. The knowing isn’t hard. It’s the doing that gets us. Like me this morning. I knew I needed to shower, to write, to organize. I knew I’d feel better after doing those things. And I did them, but the resistance was colossal.
3
Actually, that resistance was just exhaustion. I did the bare minimum yesterday morning then spent the afternoon and evening on the couch watching movies. I’ve been more productive today, despite taking two naps. Not going to beat myself up about it though, knowing that this isn’t laziness; this is the batteries in need of a recharge.
4
Trying to figure out where to register my business. I’ve been winging it for the past few years on the road, but now that I’m staying in one place for a while I’m obliged and eager to get everything set up legit. I could register the biz here in the Netherlands, but all the info has my head spinning. Doing it in Ireland seems much easier, and cheaper.
5
I lay awake in bed for almost three hours last night, mind running wild with business plans and ideas. I’m pretty confident I can build an online empire, serving people well and making good money in the process. The only thing between me and that vision is time and work. I just need to sit down every day for the next two years and chip away.
6
We’re out in the evening air now, enjoying drinks and the chat. I cycled down here earlier, feeling like a love-struck teen, this city my crush, sights of streets and buildings triggering thoughts of times past, inhabitants and happenings I’ve read about. “People are trapped in history,” wrote James Baldwin, “and history is trapped in them.”
7
Whenever I encounter shitty service or a shitty product out there in the world, it’s frustrating, sure, but it’s also a relief of sorts. Because it reminds me that I’ll always be able to make good money. All I have to do is care more and try harder than most other employees and entrepreneurs, and most of them don’t seem to care very much or try very hard.
8
Happiness is riding a bicycle in Amsterdam. I cycled some seventeen kilometers today, beaming all the while. My bike rides like a quiet breeze over smooth trails, not alongside roads and highways but trails off on their own, winding gently through sleepy suburban estates, past fields with fine horses, over canals with ducks and kids swimming.
9
I had a date tonight. She was nice and we had a great chat, but that’s as far as it’s going to go. We’re looking for different things, her long-term, me casual. Thing is, that date cost me four hours and $40 and nothing will come of it. Has me thinking I should jump back on AFF. For $30/month I’d meet lots of women with similar things in mind.
10
Going through the archives, lining up some articles for reposting on Facebook (you might want to like my page over there if you haven’t already). Sometimes I forget how much I’ve written. More than 500 articles on all kinds of topics. Admittedly, some of those articles suck, but I’m quite proud of the majority, mostly evergreen.
11
I’m still doing the intermittent fasting. Most Monday’s I’ll have breakfast and then not eat again until the next morning. There is some debate about whether or not IF really is good for your health, but I can’t imagine it does any harm. I like the discipline of it and the extra time it affords me. Plus, I end up appreciating breakfast on a Tuesday a lot more than most.
12
Leaving town tomorrow for ten days, so I had to take some time to bike around this afternoon. I don’t live far from the Rijksmuseum, can actually see it from the corner. I flowed over on two wheels and through the center of the building, around Museumplein and back across a couple canals. It’s not lost on me, the privilege of living in this town.
13
Flight leaves in an hour and twenty minutes, I’m more than ten miles from the airport, the trains aren’t running, rush hour is upon us, and there’s nare a taxi in sight. I don’t see this as a series of problems so much as a series of questions: can I keep cool under pressure? how resourceful can I be? how assertive? And if I don’t quite make it, how accepting?
14
Charlotte, Emily and Anne were three sisters born within four years of each other some two hundred years ago. They each produced what are considered masterworks of English literature. I like to imagine the conversations they must have had, stimulating each other’s genius, wondering if those talks were anything like that talk we had today.
15
I’m luckier than most, been half my life since someone close to me died. That streak will end soon, and doubtful I’ll ever come close to it again. Thinking about this as we walk through the hospital, past whispered conversations and worry-worn faces. They said yesterday she had dementia, and I wonder if she’ll remember me at all.
16
I’ve decided to phase out the freelance stuff. I have nice clients and make a decent living from the work they send me, but this isn’t my best contribution to the world, not by a long shot. I need to be spending more time producing content and building products. That’s how I’ll make the biggest impact, how I’ll reap the biggest rewards.
17
There’s a government office in my hometown where you can go and they’re supposed to help you set up a business. Except when I got there they didn’t seem any way interested or knowledgeable. Just three people punching the clock and collecting checks. Yeah, that’s probably a bit harsh, but more and more lately I’m feeling bombarded by incompetence.
18
We haven’t been in touch for a few weeks now, and she hasn’t been active on Facebook. I wonder how she’s getting on. Could just message her and say hey, but I’m a bit too stubborn for that. I think she’s being stubborn, too, not messaging me. I read back over some Momentos about her earlier today, brought back fond memories.
19
Decided to stop being stubborn and messaged her last night. She replied saying she’d been wiped out the past few weeks, suffering from dengue fever and salmonella. All that “she’s being stubborn” shit was just in my head. I like to think I’m more mature-minded than most, but I still make lots of assumptions, project my own fears and insecurities onto others.
20
Someone told me recently that they’d much prefer a heart attack to heart failure. And seeing what my grandmother’s going through, I have to agree. She’s mostly bed ridden now, confined to a hospital, confused and disoriented much of the time. I don’t want to go out like that. Put a needle in my arm and send me to sleep, let me die with a little dignity.
21
There’s something about a lone, tall tree in a field that appeals to me. Saw one today on a walk along the river at St. Mullin’s. I used to see another all the time on the way home from school. Back then I never knew what it was about that scene that resonated, but I think I get it now.
22
Four in the morning in a taxi to the airport and I’m thinking of ancient Greeks. “Know thyself,” they used to say and inscribe. Is there any better life advice in so few words? I’m 33 years old and feel I’m knowing myself anew every month, becoming familiar with my strengths and weaknesses, how to accentuate and compensate.
23
Back to the sanctuary after ten days away. The plants survived and I had a cleaner in. It was nice being home but I’m eager now to get stuck into a few solid months of work. I have books to write, courses to create, products to launch. Get back to me in January and we’ll see how the empire is coming along.
24
Somehow my phone died overnight and I had no alarm this morning, ended up sleeping in for more than three hours. When I eventually awoke and realized what had happened, I shrugged it off and began my day as planned. There was no boss to call, no explanations required, no apologies needed. One of the joys of working for oneself.
25
Hadn’t seen her in a month, dropped by today and met her son, was a little awkward. I’m not used to being around kids, not sure when to indulge them and when to draw the line. Anyway, was good to see her again, we had some time alone with the boy went to bed. I find it easy to be present in her company, not sure why. She relaxes me somehow.
26
Steven Pressfield writes about turning pro. That’s what I’m trying to do here in Amsterdam. The last few years I’ve only survived rather than thrived in business because I was distracted by travel and women and a different business plan every minute. But now I’m focused and committed. No travel, no sleepovers, stick with one plan for the long haul.
27
And then along comes a test of the mighty variety: received an email this morning asking if I’d be available to discuss a freelance gig in the $7k range. A job like that would mean postponing all the personal projects I have planned, only worth doing if I’m super-excited about the opportunity. And I’m not, so I’ll pass. Focus, focus, focus.
28
Launched a quick, 24-hour sale of the guide yesterday, giving folks one more chance to buy before taking it offline to transform and expand it into two products which should be ready by January. Just shut the sale down a few minutes ago, ended up with 13 sales amounting to $875. Pretty good start to the weekend methinks.
29
Another thing that pulls at my focus is libido. Feeling it strong the past couple of weeks. And I know I can go get laid regularly if I put the time and effort into it, but that’s time and effort taken away from working on the goal I value more. So I lie on the couch on a Saturday night watching comedy and trying not to watch porn and feeling frustrated.
30
Struggling with a feeling of hopelessness today. Maybe I’m just tired. But I read patronizing comments and about rape punishments and I think about all the work I want to do and I question my ability to do it and meanwhile I feel lonely and sad and then I get angry at myself for feeling this way because look at where I live and all I have.
31
Reading Pressfield again. This helps: “Sometimes Resistance takes the form of sex, or an obsessive preoccupation with sex. Why sex? Because sex provides immediate and powerful gratification. When someone sleeps with us, we feel validated and approved of, even loved. Resistance gets a big kick out of that. It knows it has distracted us with a cheap, easy fix and kept us from doing our work.”