Momentos – July 2014

These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.

1

Working a lot has its advantages. One such is that bad work habits become more apparent. Make the same mistake a couple of times a year and you might not see it as a big deal, but make it three times in a single month and you feel the burn. You best plug that hole in a hurry or the ship is going down. It’s stressful, but you learn fast what strong ships are made of.

2

I’ve never read much Shakespeare, but I came across this quote from Hamlet today, resonated with me: “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Being true to yourself means sharing thoughts and feelings freely, holding nothing back. Always a challenge for me in the moment.

3

Kindness has been lacking in my life. Not from other people; they treat me just fine. I mean from me. I’ve been very caught up in my own shit and working a lot and stressing about money. Sprinting head down, never mind the pregnant lady up ahead. My key habit today was to be kind and smile more. I haven’t been smiling very much of late.

4

Messed up today while proposing a solution to a client. I presented it as being as easy as turning a screw — which it is — but price-wise I forgot the value of knowing which screw to turn. They say true learning hasn’t happened until your behavior changes. I know lots of things about business, but on days like this I feel I’ve learned little.

5

I’m taking forró classes three times a week now. We had our first exam today, think I did pretty good. But I’m not just learning how to dance here. I’m learning how to lead, and how to feel at ease being up close and physical with the opposite sex. Three weeks in and I’m holding tighter, directing better, becoming more sure of myself.

6

Almost three years since I’ve stepped foot in an English-speaking country, and I believe it’s starting to wear on me. You exert yourself all day with the work stuff, then go out to unwind but find you have to exert yourself even more just to communicate. Takes its toll. I’m very much looking forward to being back in the US next year. The conversation will be mighty.

7

Yesterday sucked. One of the lowest days I’ve had in years. Home alone stressing about work, feeling like a failure, while everyone else was out having fun. I went to my room at one point to cry, but the tears wouldn’t quite come. I’m hesitant to write about the doldrums because I worry about being too negative, dragging you down with me. But today I’m feeling a little more honest, and brave.

8

The Brazilians are taking the beating better than expected. Down in Savassi after the match, the party continues on regardless, German shirts greeted with smiles more than sneers. Myself and a buddy get into the swing with some comfort zone challenges. Tapping shoulders, borrowing hats, requesting hugs, and getting down on one knee to propose.

9

Lessons well learned of late with the freelancing. #1 is that nobody is ever going to care as much about your time as you do, so you’d better track it appropriately and raise a flag as soon as original estimates threaten to become inaccurate. #2 is never expect to be compensated for time spent clarifying expectations and scope. That’s the price you pay for doing a piss-poor job at the outset.

10

John Wooden defined success as doing your utmost to reach your potential. He considered himself successful before he ever coached UCLA to a national championship, because he was doing his best day in and day out long before those big wins. He saw success in the effort, the hard trying. All the championships and accolades were nothing but a by-product.

11

Something I’ve started doing with every book I read and documentary I watch, is asking myself afterwards, “What’s my biggest takeaway from that? How is my life better for having read/watched it? How am I smarter?” Sometimes there’s no clear or obvious takeaway, and that’s fine. But more often there’s something valuable there. Recognize, crystallize.

12

At a friend’s birthday party. This girl seems to be digging me, my buddy reckons she’s the hottest here, and I know I’m capable of stringing together the words and actions required to make things happen. But man, I just can’t be arsed jumping through those hoops. A good book and an early night sounds more appealing.

13

Four years and a lifetime ago I was lying on a couch in New Orleans, nursing a hangover as Spain beat Holland. Now I’m watching Germany beat Argentina at a penthouse apartment in Brazil, surrounded by hearts warm and giving. No idea where I’ll be watching in 2016, but something tells me I’ll look back on today and feel like another lifetime has gone by.

14

My work life hasn’t been going great. I’m trying, and I keep John Wooden’s definition in mind, but it’s still a struggle. My love life is almost non-existent, too, but that I’m not so worried about. The one thing I could hang my hat on was my health. I’m in the best shape of my life right now. But last week came a mysterious headache, and today was nothing but diarrhea and nausea.

15

Jonny‘s in town, chatting about traveling on the cheap. He does a great job of scoring free or discounted tours and accommodation, blogging about his experiences in exchange. It’s a win-win-win, for him, his audience, and those businesses. No reason why I can’t do similar, but something gives me pause. Pretty sure it’s linked to my boundary issues.

16

I’m thinking more than ever about quitting the no-fly trip, weighing the pros and cons. Relationships, routine and business-building have become far more important to me of late, and they all suffer greatly without a home base. Maybe two or three years for this journey would have been better. I’m trying to finish what a different me started.

17

Across the alley from our apartment is a hospital. My bedroom window overlooks a little break area for patients and staff. About noon today I watched an elderly lady spoon feed something unsolid to a sad, elderly man in a wheelchair, probably her husband. I stood and watched and hated. Hated my ungrateful self for every petty complaint I’ve had in recent weeks.

18

Before heading over to a friend’s place for a taste of home, I lock myself in a room and sit quietly for fifteen. I’ve meditated a few minutes most days for years now, but only since I started using this Headspace app do I feel like I’m really reaping the benefits. I’ve come through the dark clouds of recent months, seeing blue sky again.

19

Back at forró class after a week-long break. The process is always the same. You never feel like going, but you’re always glad you went. They show you a new move each session and for the first half hour you battle frustration and feel you’ll never get it. But then you do. You always do. You relearn that same lesson every class, that so much of success is simply showing up and sticking it out.

20

She tries to make out with me as I’m saying goodbye, giving me pause. I wasn’t expecting that, never noticed a spark between us. And in that pause my mind unfurls a future. I’ll stay and we’ll sleep together, but it will mean more to her than it will to me, and I’ll be labeled a heartless asshole. “I really have to go,” I say again. “It was nice to meet you.”

21

I dream of performing my little morning routine of breakfast and a book while sitting at a mahogany desk overlooking a canal in Amsterdam. Someday. But for now I’ll settle happily enough for this viewless apartment in Belo Horizonte. I sit here rereading David Allen between spoonfulls, occasionally distracted by the bed squeaking in the next room.

22

Becoming clear that I often keep people at a distance and hold back on expressing myself fully because I worry they’ll get too close and then I’ll have to do the hard work — work I’ve always struggled with — of enforcing my boundaries later on. This is all fine and dandy except for the massive opportunity cost.

23

Lunch for me here is usually the sem balança place down the street. I’ve been through 27 countries on this trip, many of them dirt cheap, but I believe this gaff offers the best value meal I’ve found anywhere. I can pile a dinner plate sky high with more than a dozen healthy foods, and get a side of fresh-cooked meat, all for R$9 (about 4 USD).

24

He writes me two prescriptions, tells me it’s nothing serious. I’m not so sure though. Could it be related to stress, I ask. “Do you feel stressed?” More than usual, yeah. “Okay, I write you prescription for stress pills, too.” And so he does. I pay him 250 reals and walk out of there with no intention to buy the meds. If I could afford it, I’d get a second opinion.

25.

I look at a fat person and wonder how they can’t figure it out. Diet and fitness is so easy for me now. A six-pack is automatic. But I imagine a wealthy person would look at my business struggles and think, “How is he still broke? Why can’t he figure it out? Making money is so easy. $10k a month is automatic.” Business-wise, I’m still a fat kid eating at McDonald’s.

26

The time passes easy. Laila‘s at a zoo in Seattle. I’m sitting on my couch in Brazil. We’ve never met but she’s been reading these words of mine and felt like reaching out. Good at what she does: listening, gently questioning, encouraging. Kind and heart centered. I was going to postpone this call for a few days with the usual excuse. Very glad I didn’t.

27

“I think you hide a lot of things.” We’re at Jângal, music soothing, dancing entwined. Her words catch me by surprise. “Whenever we talk about something deep, you make a lot of jokes, like you want to avoid talking about it.” I tell her she can ask me anything. And so she does. We speak and sway with the music for the next half hour. No jokes. Best part of the evening.

28

I’m up to day twenty-one on Headspace, this third pack twenty minutes a session. My troubles haven’t subsided much these past few months, but I’m a lot more at peace since I’ve committed to this practice. Today, eyes closed in my chair, counting my breaths, I felt a whisper of bliss. A moment of stillness, no thoughts a-thinking, a pure sense of being.

29

I’m starting to write down and keep track of my limiting beliefs. One that popped up today is the belief that it’s not appropriate to call someone out if they’ve recently done me a favor. That is, someone could exhibit shitty behavior and I’ll convince myself to let it slide because they did some unrelated good deed for me a few minutes prior.

30

I take the empty seat begrudgingly and resume reading, but my mind remains on what just went down, wondering how I could have better handled the situation. A Steve Jobs stare might have been effective, but nah, too much of a dick move. Ballsy, yes, but lacking kindness. To be courageous and kind at the same time, that’s the trick.

31

You need a sense of progress. My life in New Orleans was great, then grew too comfortable. The travel lifestyle was a dream, but only to a point. Freelancing was the bees knees, then became stale. I’ve fallen well short of achieving all I wanted these past few months in Brazil, but I feel I’ve made some progress, removed some ignorance. And with that, I’m at peace.