Momentos – May 2014

These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.

1

It’s a white-walled room with three beds covered in tiger print and stains on the ceiling tiles. But I don’t notice all that as I’m busy hyperventilating, feeling like my heart is being crushed with each inhalation. Nurse to my right gets me lying down and covers my groans with an oxygen mask. Nurse to my left ties a band around my arm and flicks the tip of a needle.

2

The price of getting what you want is getting what you wanted. This dream I’m living ain’t so dreamy anymore. Yes, I can travel indefinitely, working from my laptop. It certainly beats working from a cubicle, but it’s far from ideal. 3.5 years into self-employment and I’m still trading time for money. This needs to change.

3

Fifth try out of a taxi trunk and we finally step foot on a dance floor. It’s two a.m. in Bolivia and my new British buddy dares me to approach. I quickly flame out, dos veces. Mad at myself now, not because I can’t pull, but because I fast forgot how unlikely it is to find what I’m looking for in a place like this. What the fuck am I even doing here?

4

About to board my third bus in four nights, say goodbye to Bolivia. This town is a bit of a shithole. Trash and barbed wire everywhere. I stand and watch at the scummy station as a man smiles and blows kisses at his young daughters leaving on a top deck. They flash back hearts made of hands. He’s about my age, that man right there.

5

I want nothing more right now than to get settled, so fuck Campo Grande. I decide to blow right through, catch a sleeper direct to Rio. Make that four out of five nights on a bus, eighty-plus hours in six days. I grab a sandwich at the station, go shirtless in the restroom to wash away the road stink, then climb back aboard.

6

I tag along in a taxi to Copacabana with two Germans, a white blur in the western sky. Nothing planned ahead, I end up booking into their hostel for the night, my nose eighteen inches from the ceiling. But it’s four hours’ catch-up before sleep, eyes glued to a screen as other guests buzz about, chatting and drinking and laughing.

7

I already like this town. There’s character here, and warmth. Walking the streets you see families and friends like a favorite scene from that movie that made you love movies. Kids playing, dudes skateboarding, chatter spilling out of the corner deli, beers after work. All shades of people in all states of dress. Everyone seems to have a dog, a tattoo, and a body from a magazine.

8

$1600 a month for a spectacular 3-bed in the heart of Ipanema. The agent is pushing for me to send payment in advance, even before viewing. Sounds too good to be true. I go walking to check out the address, and find it doesn’t exist. Scammers looking to cash in on the World Cup madness. They’ll probably get some hits, too. Might have worked on me if I wasn’t already here.

9

My first real exercise since getting off the cargo ship almost two months ago, happens atop a sandy rock at beach’s end, seeing stone loaves rising beyond the palms and cacti and skyscrapers. Fuck me, this city is beautiful. I’ll be leaving for Belo Horizonte tomorrow, but I decide right there and then, mid-stretch, that someday I’ll come back and live here.

10

There’s that familiar buzz stepping off the bus: new town, new opportunities, new adventures dead ahead. Add to that, I’m just glad to be staying put in one place for a while. I’ve crossed an ocean and six nations since the last time I felt settled. Here in Beagá, the focus will be work and fitness and relationships, all things I’ve let slip in recent months.

11

I submit my first $5k proposal, take a breath, and go mingle with random heads at the hostel. Diego just moved here from Chile for the startup scene, has a promising software business with paying customers in eight countries. Tim is on a six-month sabbatical, tells me how easy the dating game is in this town. I think I’m going to like it here.

12

Watching LeBron go off for 49 while drafting 60+ emails destined for travel companies. The goal now with the software biz is to validate one of two ideas I’ve stumbled upon within the next four weeks. Should one pan out, month two will be sketching the solution and pre-selling. Month three will be building a minimum viable product. I want this so bad.

13

I remember back in Spain three years ago, my first foray into language learning, and how I’d get panicked when someone said something I didn’t understand. Which was quite often. I’ve learned though that feeling and appearing panicked only makes the situation worse. My default reaction nowadays is to smile and shrug when I find myself lost. I usually get smiles back.

14

Success in business mostly comes down to getting out of your own way, avoiding self-sabotage and overcoming limiting beliefs. Right now I’m aiming to charge at least $50-60 per hour for my work, but I track all my time and see that I’m earning closer to $30 per hour. I regularly sell myself short on price, put in extra time that I don’t bill for, my own worst enemy.

15

An elevator in Oscar Niemeyer’s sixty-year-old edifício, a beauty in decay reminiscent of that city on the ‘sippi. There’s an elderly lady who’s probably a lifer here; a young guy dressed for the gym, reading texts and trying to suppress a giddy smile; and the Kiwi on the phone to his young daughter, speaking words like apple pie in a language I don’t understand.

16

I’m glad Mitch is here with me now. Never met in person before yesterday, but we’ve been friends online for a couple of years. I’ve been missing friendship and community, being surrounded by people who are on my same wavelength, people who think deep and crave growth and push me to improve and call me on my bullshit. This is my home.

17

Random samba party, neighborhood unknown, three hours later than expected but that seems to be the norm here. A motley crew of a hundred-plus, standing and dancing and getting into it, everyone free. Every five minutes you’re offered a snack or a refill, community strong. Only thing lacking are Beyoncé’s ladies, but the night is young.

18

This blog has kinda sucked the past few months, I know. People have emailed and asked that I get back to writing more often. And I’d love to. I’d like nothing more than to devote all my time to doing cool/interesting shit and writing about it. I have a big long list of things I’d like to try. But maybe next year. 2014 is all about getting my finances pointed in the right direction.

19

I’m getting back into the dating game here in Brazil. It’s a great place for it: beautiful women, welcoming culture, very approachable. I always find the internal resistance fascinating though. I know exactly what I need to do to meet amazing women and have great experiences, but going out and doing it is another thing. Using penalties and peer pressure to force myself.

20

Easier today, momentum building. I sit down alongside a cute blonde on a bench near the praça. She doesn’t speak English, so Portuguese it is, having fun with it. I tell her she looks good, make her smile, ask if she has a boyfriend. She says she does, but then motions for me to follow her down the street, something about an amiga I should meet. Alright then.

21

Timer set for six, eyes closed… Focus on the breath, feel the air flow through my nostrils… Hmm… nostrils… must check for nose hair later. The older I get, the faster it grows… Shit, back to my breath. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out… I might actually write about this later, me here by the lake, trying not to think… Shit, there it goes again…

22

Ever feel so tired that it’s impossible to overthink things, and this works to your advantage? The plan was a single hour at the feira, but my first approach turned fast from wary to an enthusiastic number. After that I was floating on automatic, opening and flirting in broken Portuguese with the air of a peaceful shrug about me. Three hours gone by like a dream.

23

We moved into an apartment today in Belo Horizonte. With a month’s rent paid, I’m back under $200 in my checking account. 6pm and exhausted but I have about three hours work ahead of me. Not sure how I’m so broke given how busy I’ve been. Three active projects and feeling underpaid on all of them. Biggest thing lacking in my business right now is salesmanship.

24

We’re beating the approach anxiety out of ourselves, becoming unconscious, heartbeats slowing. I leave the table without thinking and tap some tight pants on the shoulder. “What’s going on down there?” She doesn’t speak much English, but I soon understand that it’s a forró class happening mid-street, and she’s lacking a partner. Alright then.

25

Self-loathing on the walk home. The goal was twenty-one for the week, and I’m quitting at nineteen, penalty accepted. I could go hit on the high heels and short skirts teetering out of the bar ahead of me, but I feel there should be consequences for all the better opportunities (read: sober stunners in sensible shoes) I passed up during the week. So a 36-hour fast it is. Fuck you, Niall.

26

We’ve got a nice routine going with the exercise, started last week. Monday to Friday, up at seven and jog to the park. Stretch and core workouts there, then jog back home for push-ups to finish. I’d like to add in some sprints as well, but this is good for now. Consistency is the most important thing. Better the decent you stick to than the perfect you quit.

27

Had my first language exchange on Skype today. Ignored the hunger and did fifteen minutes in Portuguese with a lady from Sao Paulo. She’s studying biomedical engineering and just read The Personal MBA. Her English is much better than my Portuguese. I found out all the interesting stuff about her on the second half of the call.

28

We go to extremes, then back again. But it’s not the same. I used to eat meat, then went vegan, now back to eating meat. But it’s not the same. I used to live in one place, then thirty countries in three years, now once more dreaming of a home base. But it’s not the same. I used to want just one special girl, then I wanted them all, now… it’s not the same.

29

The resistance is there with the software business, too. I’m switching industries now, got a list of clinics to call in New Orleans for starters. Just call five. That’s all I have to do today. Doesn’t matter if they hang up on me or never answer the phone. I just have to do my part. I just have to dial the numbers and read the script. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

30

From The Cargo Ship Diaries: It’s always been about the fear. Rejection. Judgement. Uncertainty. Failure. Success. Letting go. The fear of all those things, and the refusal to succumb. That’s always been the thrill… that instant when I feel all the fear and insecurity welling up inside of me, and I’m faced with a microcosmic choice: grow or wilt, live or die.

31

I just met this girl outside a bar, approached and told her she looked nice. A minute in and I’m cracking jokes, having fun. But she’s not feeling it. “Can we have a serious conversation?” she says, stone-faced. I hear tires screech in my skull and decide to save us both a lot of time: “Yeah, I don’t think we’d make a very good couple.”