These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.
1
It’s about a year now since I decided to quit that passive income biz, to give up $4k a month easy money. Not long before that I announced my goal of banking $100k before the end of 2014. Right now, with only $2k to my name, I still feel fine about the former and a little embarrassed by the latter. Indeed, long is the way, and hard…
2
As the story goes, he was drunk, might have been spiked, brought some random chick back to his private room at the hostel. He passed out, but came to in time to see her trying to leave with his shit. He tried to stop her, knife came out, arm got slashed. A struggle ensued, the cops were called, but somehow she managed to get away clean.
3
It’s an art. You want to be approachable and allow for serendipity, but at the same time you need to set and enforce strong boundaries. I go through this every time someone starts chatting to me here at the hostel while I’m working. I’d like to be friendly and explore new friendships, new opportunities. But sometimes I gotta say, “Sorry man, I really need to get this done.”
4
Few people seem eager to understand others. We’d rather find something to disagree with, jump to conclusions, unleash criticisms. It’s telling that arguments rarely end with someone saying, “Ah okay, I understand where you’re coming from now.” It’s easier to blame, and more tempting to try prove ourselves right, despite the cost.
5
Flakiness in full effect, this stunner who’s been flirting with me outrageously all week via ones and zeroes bails out on our rendezvous at the last minute. But I’m not mad. Frolics would have been nice this afternoon, especially in the new pad with the skyline view, but I’ll still mark the day a nine on the contentedness scale. Loving what is, not what coulda been.
6
Hit a patch of burnout today. Still got some work done, but there were also a couple of hours of youtubing in there. That time would have been put to better use if I’d grabbed a good nap, rested properly. Obvious what I need to do to get right, yet often resistance blocking the path. Why the self-sabotage? What purpose does it serve?
7
Half my life ago, I went to NYC. For all intents and purposes, my first real trip abroad. My cousin and I ate at McDonalds, bought baggy shorts, and flipped quick from over-cautious to over-trusting. I’ll never forget the man with one tooth we met at the Garden, said he could get us Knicks tickets. We handed over $150 and lost him in the crowd.
8
Giant. I like his style. Whether we’re walking down the street, through the supermarket, or across the bar, he’ll throw out a calm and confident, “Hola, cómo estás?”, to any girl who takes his fancy. Depending on the response, he might stop and interact a bit more. Makes me realize how simple the game can be; complications mostly in my head.
9
Wager and myself thinking we’ve done pretty well bringing two girls back (though my lady says she has a boyfriend) until we walk in the door and find Giant with a pair on the couch and another in the kitchen, no big deal. Looks like the two roomies are sorted for the night, but no telling how it will unfold for me.
10
Evening intercambio after a long work day. My Spanish is improving slowly but surely. Even though I’m living here in the thick of it, I keep the bar fairly low: a half hour of practice cada día is all I need accomplish. Anything beyond that is a bonus. Better the small goal you stick with than the big one you quit.
11
Grinding it out, another long day at the home office, earned about $300 for my efforts. Which ain’t much given that I’ve been staring at a screen for most of these past twelve hours. Between paid work sessions I spend chunks of time looking for new gigs, writing proposals, and, of course, procrastinating like a mofo.
12
Eleven months and eleven countries later, here we are, together again. The needle returns to the start of the song and we all sing along like before… or so I expected. But it’s not like that. Part of me wants things to be like they were, to jump right back in, while another part is comfortable with this distance between us, even as we sleep in the same bed.
13
I’m sitting in a warm room with a hundred Colombians. There’s an American dude up front showing pictures of himself driving fast cars and hanging out with Owen Wilson. It’s a pitch for a pyramid scheme. I came here for a girl, thought she was digging me, thought it was a date. Apparently she was thinking something different.
14
We’re still sharing a bed. It got awkward, but we talked it out last night, after I got back from my non-date. Tim Ferriss once wrote: “A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.” I don’t expect it to be easy going forward, but as long as we keep talking, we should be fine.
15
Now there’s a competitive aspect. She’s going to get hit on a lot here (I’ve already seen it first-hand) and she’ll end up dating some alpha dudes. I’m not sure my ego can handle that unless I’ve got some plates spinning, too. So here I am, hanging out in Parque Lleras on a Saturday night, ready for a rampage.
16
For the second consecutive morning, I sit alone and I listen and I cry. I cry fucking hard, man, tears streaming down my cheeks. Last night was awful, gut-wrenching. I went home feeling like a loser, like I was never worthy of a girl like her in the first place. It crosses my mind that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life, but I let it go.
17
Discipline and spontaneity in a never-ending tug-o-war. Sometimes, when discipline wins, I wonder what it is I’m working for. Like last night: cute girl invites me south of the city to watch a meteor shower… and I pass it up, too much to do tomorrow. Now I’m regretting that decision. Have I mastered my will, or has my will mastered me?
18
I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes shit happens and it sucks. The Stoics acknowledged this, but they also saw each obstacle as a way to practice some virtue, never letting a good crisis go to waste. Accordingly, I appreciate that in recent days I’ve had ample opportunities to practice patience, acceptance, humility.
19
Giant arranged a double date, somehow got them straight to our place. Physically, my girl is every man’s dream. But looks are about all she’s got going. Her wallpaper is stacks of cash, books don’t please her, and she browses Facebook mid-conversation. No indication she wants to fuck me, but if she did, I like to think I’d make like Rhett Butler and frankly-my-dear her ass.
20
Last week was tough but I think I handled it pretty well, bouncing back strong. The important thing to keep in mind when going through a rough patch is that everything comes and everything goes. Emotions and situations are temporary. They don’t define you. Writing helps, too. Get those thoughts out of your head and down in print. You’ll feel better, trust me.
21
I had her on a pedestal, but not anymore. Spending a lot of time together, living in the same apartment, she appears merely human now. Today we annoyed the shit out of each other, then spent several hours in silent treatment, no remorse. Glad my infatuation is gone, but, if we’re not careful, our friendship will be, too.
22
It’s good to have a key phrase, something you let spill out of your mouth before your brain can conjure up a reasonable excuse. Once those words are out there’s no going back. For cold approach I use, “Disculpe, tengo una pregunta…” For difficult conversations I’d rather avoid but know must be had, it’s, “Listen, I gotta tell ya…”
23
The plan has always been to hit up New Orleans first, then embark on a big road trip west, spending about seven months total in North America. But now I’m thinking twice. A trip like that is only worth doing if my finances are sorted, and I’m not sure they will be. So I might head east from NOLA, and just keep on going. I could be home and done by summer.
24
That said, I have to be careful. It’s tempting to look ahead, waiting for the next chapter to begin. But I’m here now, in the prime of my life, surrounded by all things Colombian. I’m finding it hard to let go and be social though, focused as I am on the money-making. Some days I feel my life is way off track, others that I’m exactly where I need to be.
25
Out the front door, headed for my usual lunch spot. It’s another sunny day, and I’m without sunglasses. My last pair may have been stolen. Two blocks up a beautiful woman crosses my path, watched by two men in a truck at the traffic lights. I don’t talk to this woman or make eye contact. I let her pass and glance at her ass, then at the two men in the truck at the traffic lights.
26
I’m pretty bummed here in Medellín. It’s a cool city and all, but I think I’m just over this whole foreign culture lark. It’s been three years since I’ve lived in an English-speaking country, really starting to miss effortless conversations, random banter, understanding and being understood. The US in February will be like a warm hug to a lonely man.
27
I wonder if Bukowski faced this. He wrote raw, no holds barred. He must have upset some people, writing about private moments, ugly details. He probably killed some relationships being so candid. And yet that was a big part of his appeal, why we know his name. Maybe you have to cross that line… but not me, not yet. I won’t tell you what I did for the first time today.
28
If I don’t make the call, I have to skip cheat day and fast for thirty-six hours. So I make the call. Her name is Eleanor and she’s easy to talk to. We stay on for close to ten minutes and I follow up with an email. Then I dip chicharrón in guacamole, give my lady a hug, and head back to bed. It’s ten past twelve in the afternoon.
29
I was aiming to win $5,000 of new business in November. A big project put me over the edge on Thursday, and now some unexpected work pushes me further ahead. I’m happy, but not satisfied. Earlier this week I interviewed people making $10-15k a month online through freelancing. No reason why I can’t do the same.
30
It’s about noon as I sit up in bed, listening to music from big pink, trying to be still. She’s at my side, dozing. I watch her eyes twitch behind skin and flash back a fortnight, how unlikely this all was. She’ll move out later today. I’m savoring these moments, because now could well be the end of it, the last time we’re together like this.