These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.
1
Five years ago today, I walked alone into the oldest movie theater in New Orleans. An old man tore my ticket in half, slipped one piece into a little wooden box, handed back the other, and then he said to me, “Enjoy the movie, young man.” What followed was the most magical movie experience of my life. I’ve now watched that same, beautiful film five times, always on January 1st, and every time I’ve cried.
2
Here’s how I’m trying to build this software business. I’m focusing on tour companies right now. Given my penchant for travel and adventure, I figure I can well relate to those people. The trick is to try talk with as many of them as possible and find out what the common problems are in the industry. Then I sketch out a software solution and try presell it. Presales = proof of market. Only then, once I see them buying in advance, will I go build the thing.
3
Noticed something about myself: I find it easier to be confident when there are shy people around. Being surrounded by super alpha guys usually causes me to fall back rather than rise up. I’m not proud of this. I’d much rather be the kind of person who steps his game up when the bar is raised, but I don’t seem to do that in social situations. There’s a limiting belief in there somewhere, I’m sure. And it might run, but it can’t hide.
4
I’m almost a week into this coaching gig, up at six for a call. It’s going pretty good so far. I could definitely have made more money this month devoting the same amount of time to freelance web design, but with that the learning would be lacking. Coaching is all new and different and a little scary. This guy is trusting me to help fulfill his biggest dream. The challenge for me is knowing when to be firm and when to ease up.
5
2am, still hunched over pushing buttons, and I have to be up early tomorrow. How am I so busy right now? What the hell happened to cutting the fluff and putting 100% of my focus into the software business this month? I tell myself that I’ll have plenty of downtime when I’m stuck aboard the cargo ship for four weeks, but I know that’s not true either. Give me some free time and I will fill that shit right up.
6
I’ve always liked that definition of luck as the intersection of preparation and opportunity. And if you believe that, you gotta believe that you have a large say in how lucky you are. Because preparation is totally up to you. And opportunities seem to increase in proportion to how many people you’ve formed genuine connections with. Today I didn’t feel especially lucky, but I likely set myself up to be lucky down the line.
7
Here’s a tip for being more social, one I often have to remind myself of: Acknowledge Everyone. That guy you met at the party last week? Make a point to catch his attention and banter for a bit when you see him at the mall. The girl in the park you recognize but can’t quite place? Say hello anyway and ask where you know her from. The one person in the group you haven’t met yet? “Hi, we haven’t met yet. I’m Niall.”
8
179 people have signed up to my new Mantalk list, and 52 of them have emailed me. I love reading the different stories, people from all places, races, sexual cases. And they open up, man. Secret embarrassments, private struggles. I try to give as good as I get, sharing as much as I dare, sometimes a little beyond. We’re all so scared of being vulnerable, but we need to be. It’s so important. True strength is that willingness to reveal your weakness.
9
Proud of myself today. On the interview with Mike, I asked the two questions I was most hesitant to ask. Of course, it all went fine. Later on a Skype call with a tour operator I was resistant to try price anchoring for the first time but made myself push through. “Yes,” the guy told me, “if you can build software that solves that problem, I would be quite happy to pay you $100 a month.” Neo says whoa.
10
Were you in Kathmandu about eighteen months ago she asks. And I answer yes. Did you visit King’s Way while you were there she asks. And I answer yes. Were you with a tall Nepali guy she asks. And I answer yes. Did you go to a group of people and ask one girl for her number she asks. And I can’t quite remember, but I know the answer is yes, and that she’s the same girl.
11
Twenty-nine metro stops and a short taxi ride away, there’s a dome atop a hill with a scope pointed at a dark Korean sky. We see Alnitak on the belt and three bright satellites of Neptune. And our own magnified moon, more spectacular than I could ever have imagined. Afterwards we trudge patches of snow along a woodland path, telling tales of rides thumbed and rocks climbed.
12
I try distracting myself with three bowls of muesli and relentless top tens on YouTube. My ego’s trying to hide, reluctant to contemplate the possibility that I fucked up, that I might as well be seventeen again. Almost had myself convinced that I’d done the mature and respectful thing, honored boundaries unspoken. But the facade came crashing down when we said goodbye an hour ago. Her parting words: “If you had hit on me last night, we probably would have slept together.”
13
So Niall, how’s it going with that $100,00-in-the-bank-by-the-end-of-2014 goal you set for yourself and had the audacity to announce publicly, hah? It’s not going all that well, thanks for asking. I have less than $5k to my name right now, and very little income to speak of. But I feel fine. I’m putting in work and getting smarter all the time. I may or may not capture that flag by the end of the year, but it won’t be for lack of trying.
14
Mind buzzing, can’t sleep. I lay in bed for three hours, never got close, finally accepted defeat and booted up the Air. It’s 1:18 as these keys are tapped and I have to be up at six to prep for a coaching call. No worries. I view the restlessness as a trade-off of a mind expanding. Estoy aprendiendo mucho en estos días, rewiring my brain, demolishing limiting beliefs and building better on the rubble. How’s a man supposed to sleep amidst the sounds of cement trucks and wrecking balls?
15
I did a few experiments in the past where I tried to put on muscle while barely exercising. And I recently watched a guy on YouTube boast how he stays in great shape while working out only 2-3 hours a month. That seems like the dumbest thing in the world to me now. What good is it to look fit without actually being fit? Modern me wants to spend more time working out, so I can bound mountains, swim lakes and slay giants. Not just look good naked.
16
My work style has changed drastically in recent months. For me, doing work used to mean putting in headphones, shutting out the rest of the world, and hammering away at the machine. Skype calls and meetups were a distraction. Now they’re a priority. Connecting with people, really listening to them, building relationships. This feels right. As such, I spent seven hours on Skype today.
17
I think of him every time I walk past that corner, met just once a few weeks back. Alan was his name. In his sixties and traveling the world with a banjo. It’s rare enough in my neighborhood to see another white person, let alone one strumming and singing on the street. He told me he was a Christian within three sentences, and that God has always provided for him. I never told him I was an atheist. I wish I had.
18
On the second-chance train I see a young man who’s not all there. Or perhaps he’s more there than the rest of us, as he chats and interacts with the innocence of a child while everyone else is zoned out or glued to a small screen. He’s with a girl who likewise appears to have some cognitive disability. But she’s subdued. I guess they’re at the end of a date. She gets off two stops before, head down, never looking back to catch his tender wave goodbye.
19
Seems I’m still riding the sex drive seesaw. You know you have a problem when a dream girl straddles you in her underwear and you barely feel a twitch. Lousy penis, thanks for nothing. I’m convinced the cause is physical rather than psychological. Otherwise I’d still be waking in a tent most mornings when I’m alone. I’ll keep experimenting with diet and exercise until I figure it out. It’s tough though. You can’t help but feel like less of a man.
20
The more business owners I speak with, the more opportunities I see. Not to create some new and revolutionary product or service, but to do something better than it’s already being done. Because there are a lot of people out there who simply don’t give a shit. If you listen closely, if you genuinely care, and if you strive to deliver quality work you can be proud of, methinks you’re already ahead of the pack.
21
Wind sprints, vitamin D3, no more coffee, five hard boiled eggs right before bed, cutting back on canned seafood, brazil nuts hiding in crazy-expensive cereal, freezing cold showers, multivitamins, explosive pull-ups, grass-fed butter, raw almonds, five pharmacies on the hunt for cod liver oil, blood work at a hospital… and the mystery still lingers.
22
I definitely take it for granted sometimes. This life. This freedom. I guess we all do. You rarely appreciate what it’s like to be free of ankle pain until you twist an ankle. This morning though I took a moment, back to bed at ten to make amends for a restless night, the comfort accentuated by the thought of all the wage slaves who wish they could do such a thing on a random weekday in January.
23
I’m at Presbyterian waiting for a train, reading what Murakami talks about. I spent last night at her place, along like fire. This time next week I’ll be at sea, our time together at an end. It would have been nice to meet her earlier. Or maybe it’s perfect as is. We’ll never know. Here in Korea they play a short tune at the station when a train is about to arrive. I hear it now and look up from my book. Almost time to go.
24
I’ve developed a strange self-assurance about money. Strange because my savings are running pretty low. But I don’t see money-making as all that difficult anymore. At least not to a certain level. I’m confident I could pull in $2k a month pretty comfortably, part-time work. Web design and coaching streams are there for me if I need them. But my primary focus right now has to be the software biz, and that will take a few more months to turn green.
25
We meet at Suyeong, exit ten, with beans in fish-shaped pastries. Straight from there to the museum, to dress in traditional Korean garb and partake in knee-ache. Later we roam an empty campus and sneak up stairwells before finding a long-awaited barbershop. We ask if she can try and they oblige. Next there’s pizza, chai tea and chocolate cake, then home for our best yet, the seesaw bouncing back.
26
How bad do I want it? Yesterday, it was bad enough to forgo a much-needed snooze and put in an early hour’s graft. Then last night, while she slept, I punched another right before the dawn. Tonight, two more, despite heavy eyes and a foggy brain. How do people succeed? They do things most aren’t willing to do. I see that as my edge, right there. I may not have the most talent, resources or expertize. But, more often than not, I’ll do those things.
27
She sees a noticeable contrast, between the guy she just spent a weekend with and the guy she met for coffee a few weeks back. Were you nervous, she asks, that first time, was that it? Less self-assured, certainly. I never realized how much of my confidence was tied to my libido, used to wonder if I’d be better off an eunuch, less distractions from noble pursuits. Now I know better, Napoleon Hill’s words finally hitting home.
28
I lie down to try catch forty. I’m moving out today, Mr. Choi will be here in an hour. My web connection stopped working this morning, as if warming me up for four weeks offline. I’ll spend tonight in the arms of a girl with a dragon tattoo. Tomorrow I leave her, leave Korea, leave Asia, a whole ocean soon between us. Lying here, trying to figure out how I feel about it all. And best I can determine, I feel fine.
29
We take a walk down by the stream, crisscross stepping stones, lie in the grass and watch the clouds. This has been good. Here, with her. She seems at peace with me leaving. Maybe it’s because we only had three weeks together. Maybe I’ve begun sucking less at this relationship lark, expectations better set. Or maybe she’s different, perspective like mine. You know: Don’t be sad to see it end; be glad it happened at all.
30
I’m at customs, ready to stamp out and hop aboard. Smell you later, Asia! Sitting alongside are my very German captain and skipper. I’ve already given them pet names of Port and Starboard. But wait, what’s this? “Big problem,” I’m told. Apparently the Korean government brought in some new law on January 8th that prevents civilians from leaving the country on cargo ships. Fuck.
31
Email to agent: “Let me make sure I understand: Through no fault of my own, I am required to pay hundreds of additional dollars (estimating at least $500) for the inconvenience of being delayed almost two weeks on a trip I had booked months in advance, while my agent accepts no responsibility even though it could be well argued that it is the agent’s job to stay informed of any developments which may cause serious problems for their customers. Is that correct?”