Momentos – Nov 2013

These are my Momentos, short personal diary entries I write daily – since 2013 – and publish monthly. Some links are affiliate links.

1

Feeling social with no takers for the talking, I wait out front for a bus to come whisk me away from V-town. Boots and a backpack go by and I catch gorgeous eyes above them. A minute later she walks back along and the conversation strikes. From a place familiar, banter flows easy. Flash forward fifteen and I’m on that bus with a secret smile.

2

I spend a couple of hours setting up a dating profile and browsing around the site, adding favorites to message later, aware of a conflict I’ll have to resolve. History tells that getting involved with anyone beyond the shallow usually results in pain and anger for them, confusion and sadness for me. And the shallow doesn’t much appeal. Plenty of that earlier this year and it was far from fulfilling.

3

My key habit for today was to write out my why. That is, my reason for doing what I’m about to do. Why devote the time and energy to it? Why make such sacrifices? In short, it all comes down to freedom. More freedom to be my best self and deliver tremendous amounts of value to the world. Now that it’s written out, I have my why posted atop my to-do list so I’ll see it first thing every morning.

4

Sex drive still lower than I’d like, last week I went to a hospital here in Chiang Mai and got my testosterone levels checked. Results back today, and I clock in at 572 ng/dl, right about average for a man my age. I’d convinced myself that the issue was more physical than psychological, but perhaps not. Regardless, it’s frustrating. I miss that animal instinct, eager to get it back. Maybe the mechanics are akin to overcoming fear: doing comes first, confidence follows.

5

Another social itch to scratch, I head out for a walk. First is a bubbly waitress at the Peppermint giving me the lowdown on their pad thai. Next I ambush a photo pose and get back laughs and a high five. Third is a hippy chick selling crafts at Thaphae Gate, but that one’s awkward. Last, crossing back to the Racha I see someone spectacular leaving a coffee shop. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand…

6

“the more difficult a thing is to achieve, the more the joy when it is achieved.” I almost emailed back warning him to be careful with that attitude. I once thought the same and ended up making obstacles bigger than they had to be, feeling like I didn’t deserve a thing unless it hurt to acquire it. I’ll hold off on the warning though. Such an attitude is probably helpful for him right now. No true or false when it comes to beliefs, only empowering and disempowering.

7

I follow inside to find a dude hula hooping and a girl doing a headstand. I met their friends minutes earlier in the market as I was sparking conversations with strangers and joking around about Siamese bananas, bouncing back nicely from a bombed attempt at flirting a couple blocks before. Cool as this cafe is, I can’t stay, gotta meet people for dinner. On the way out I exchange traditional dances and Facebook details with a Chilean girl.

8

With soft, genuine eyes, he greets you with one hand extended, the other over his heart, and shakes goodbye with both. I first saw him at the park a couple of weeks ago, practicing taichi with the locals. Yesterday, upon ceasing to be strangers per a chance street meet, I found him older than at a glance, but a youthfulness still about him. Today we met again by chance. He leaves Chiang Mai tomorrow. Gently, no doubt.

9

I’m beginning to fully embrace the idea of it’s-not-what-you-know. The past couple of years I would often shun Skype chats and random meetups in favor of keeping my head down and getting some solid work done. That hasn’t really gotten me where I want to go, so I’ve resolved to make personal connections more of a priority. Today I had breakfast with a tropical nomad, then dinner with two new friends.

10

Already about twenty replies to my request for help. I’m slapping myself looking at some of them. How didn’t I think to reach out to that person already? It’s times like this I feel I’ve got some serious subconscious self-sabotage going on. Even the idea of reaching out to my mailing list took a while to come. I had to battle the feeling that that would be cheating somehow. So much of this shit is getting out of your own way.

11

I’m probably insane. Close to $300 lost in currency exchange and PayPal fees. Having to ask a mate if I can borrow money. Asking another to log into my account from a foreign country. Multiple phone calls to banks trying to figure out the hiccups. All so I can drop almost half my savings for the privilege of spending 26 days crossing the Pacific Ocean on a ship with no internet.

12

I just sit there trying to listen, taking as much interest in this guy as possible. When he stops speaking I try wait a few beats, letting the gaps breathe, resisting the impulse to add my two cents. Every now and then the mind wanders and I do my best not to pretend, asking him to repeat himself when I snap back to be sure I hear the whole story. And his story’s a good one. I like this guy.

13

A limiting belief uncovered today: If I follow a process or a script that’s not my own, people will consider me inauthentic and unoriginal; I have to come up with everything off the top of my head to be the real deal. Intellectually I know that’s bullshit, but beliefs aren’t logical. I free wrote on it a bit today and identified two incidents from my past that are likely responsible. “The oldest one in the book,” said Mark. “You’re not fuckin’ American,” said Dean.

14

She calls as I’m drifting off to sleep and asks if I’d like to go out dancing. No, I wouldn’t. What I’d like is for her to come over and spend the night. She’s cool and my drive has bounced back. But can I be that direct? We’ve only met once before. Won’t she think I’m some kind of sex pest? Fuck it, I have to ask for what I want. Anything less is the lie of a nice guy, the disease to please, inauthentic. I speak my mind and watch the chips fall.

15

Early morning and I resolve to make five cold calls with the goal of getting rejected. That’s what I need right now. To get rejected and see that it’s no big deal, that the worst case scenario isn’t all that bad. I pick the first five furniture listings in the Aussie yellow pages and start dialing. Twenty minutes later I’m done, got blown out pretty bad on all of them. And yet I somehow feel empowered. Today is going to be a good day.

16

My key habit for today was to be present and authentic, keep my heart open. The peak was a spontaneous dinner which became a six hour chat with a beautiful friend of mine, talking love, sex, money, courage, legacy and everything in between. Later I failed miserably by trying to play it cool in front of a gorgeous ex-Marine instead of speaking my mind. You have no idea how disappointed I was with myself.

17

The brightest full moon I’ve ever seen is framed by floating lanterns in the Chiang Mai sky. I’m strolling streets with men from Greece and Lebanon, two good guys I randomly started talking with at the market. We release a lantern of our own from a gap in the moat and I opt to leave them as we near the red light. I’m alone now, moving through happy crowds, daring myself to approach, eager to exorcise last night’s demon.

18

What am I scared of, really? I know a Westerner here in Chiang Mai who lived quite comfortably on $300 last month. A friend told me last week that she has web design work ready for me whenever I need it. Random people are filling my inbox with software ideas and offers to connect me with others who’d be happy to help. I’m beginning to appreciate that there’s no way I can fail.

19

By the time this month is done, I’ll have spent in the vicinity of $7,000. Shuffling money around has been a pain of late. My Irish bank won’t let me make an international transfer without some new number-generating widget, and such a transfer from my Hong Kong bank requires in-branch form-filling. It’s been a while since I was this low on funds, more than a year. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t stressful.

20

Henry Ford would invite people to dinner before deciding whether to hire them or not. If they salted their food before tasting it, he ruled them out, taking it as evidence that the person was prone to execute a plan before taking a proper measure of the situation. This in mind, I caught myself reaching for the shaker today before tasting the tuna salad. Flavor was fine without it.

21

— How much you pay my friend?
— I give her two orgasms. That’s my final offer.
— You pay 3000 baht.
— How about zero baht?
— Zero baht?
— Yeah, zero baht. I don’t pay for sex.
— He no pay, we go.
— No no, it okay, I like him, he funny.
— If you think I’m funny now, you should see me naked.

22

Joe Rogan in my ears starting up at an expanding universe back of a crowded bus to Bangkok, thoughts fixed on the future. I’ve long had in mind the sequel to this no-fly adventure, a trip far more ambitious, risky, polarizing. It would be a year-long immersion experience, a trustworthy sidekick along for the ride. I wouldn’t be able to write about it until the end.

23

Bangkok cabbies shady as ever, I say fuck em and walk an hour with all my world possessions before hopping a canal boat to the Wittayu. There’s a key waiting in the lobby, access to Anthony’s empty apartment. Showered up and logged on, I go meet a guy nearby about a scooter then grab cash and noodles at Phrom Phong. I’m running on four hours sleep but phone beeps keep me upbeat.

24

I’m lonely today, craving intimacy. Thought I was horny at first, but a quick fiddle did nothing to alleviate the restlessness. I came to Bangkok thinking I’d be big king ding-a-ling with a few old flames lined up to relight. But everything fell through. The best girl of all is across town but it wouldn’t be fair to try there. She can’t flip the emotional switch like I can. So I sit solitary in Ant’s empty apartment, resisting distractions, leaning into the loneliness.

25

They cut the corners off the old, hand me a new. 2.5 years it lasted. Flicking through I see stamps for Laos, the United States, Thailand, UAE, Iran, Cambodia, India, Nepal, China, Vietnam, Myanmar, Turkey. I wonder at what point it became commonplace to carry around a little book with your face in it as evidence that you’ve received permission to set foot on a specific piece of the planet.

26

You know you’ve undertaken a righteous pursuit when you get a kick out of the process, not just enduring it in hopes of an eventual payoff. And I’m loving this, talking with business owners, asking about their challenges, uncovering pain. I’m becoming a better listener, developing present moment awareness. I feel I can’t succeed with this software dealio without becoming a better person, more caring, less limiting beliefs.

27

Resentful today while flicking through Facebook. A friend posting a happy pic of him and his girl, another dude showing off a modeling shot. I don’t think it’s jealousy, but something stops me from hitting the like button. What is that? Being resentful of other people’s happiness? It’s strongest when I’m feeling low, like I’ve been the last couple of days, battling exhaustion. I catch myself this time and thumb up those photos. Good for them.

28

There’s a lot to be said for sitting down with a master and having them step you through exactly how they do things. Looking over their shoulder, seeing it through their eyes, the fog lifts. Beats the hell out of reading a book or watching a video. Those of us who get ahead seem to have less qualms about asking the masters for private tours. I still struggle with that, feeling like it would be cheating somehow, or my curiosity unwelcome.

29

It’s like the zombie apocalypse in this elevator. She’s a fat teenager with smeared lipstick, stitches in the bridge of her nose, and a powdered complexion like she just sneezed into a bag of flour. She’s speaking to me in Thai with a worried expression, flashing the peace sign in and out of her breast pocket. I have no idea what she’s saying, but she seems to want something from me. Mai kow jai, mai kow jai! Then she spots the money clip in my right hand and makes a reach for it.

30

Two months back it wasn’t right, and I’m glad we didn’t fall into anything. But right now all seems good. I couldn’t have imagined this even a week ago, together strolling through Chiang Mai streets and rolling around a pink hotel. She asked what happened with that girl from the 14th, and I told her, and it was fine. I’m glad she’s here.